You Need and Deserve Support as a Mother
By Dantrel Perryman
Picture this: You are a new mom super excited to bring your newborn home. You have all the baby diapers, wipes, and bottles your house can hold. You are very excited and anxious as to how this journey is going to go, but somehow you keep everyone alive and make it to your first postpartum doctor’s visit.
You are cleared to go back to “normal activity”, your baby is doing well, and now your partner is back at work. Even though the baby is keeping you busy 24/7 and the house is not necessarily quiet, you cannot shake this feeling, nor the reality, that you are home alone most days, trying to figure everything out on your own. The check-ins from friends and family have become sporadic, your partner is busier than ever at work, all the professionals you had during pregnancy have now completed their services, and the day just feels empty.
Now you’re on your own
Unfortunately, this situation is all too common for moms during the first year postpartum. The journey into motherhood starts with so much support—prenatal visits, baby showers, birth classes, doulas, friends helping—but as soon as the baby arrives, much of this support stops, ironically at the time you need it the most!
Honestly, the blame should not be placed solely on those people but really on the outdated misconception that after a baby is born, the parents can handle the rest on their own. To make matters even more challenging, mothers who seek support are often faced with many barriers. Financial limitations, time constraints, cultural and social expectations, shame and guilt around asking for help, and even ineffective communication with their partners are some of the many reasons why many mothers end up under-supported and overwhelmed.
I see you, I hear you
I see you fighting not only your internal thoughts of perfectionism and anxiety but also the cultural and societal expectations to do it all and be it all for everyone in your family. I empathize with the struggle between desiring more support and feeling that the cost to get everything you need to feel at ease is just too much. You would like to hang out with your friends more or take more self-care days, but it just seems like there is not enough time in the day to have that moment and take care of all the other responsibilities that have been piled onto you. You deserve more support.
I hear you too. You are feeling frustrated that your partner does not understand the
struggles you are going through. You are both having a hard time sharing the loads of responsibilities, and with sleep deprivation taking over, it seems too hard to communicate effectively and reconnect as one. You deserve more support.
You deserve support
It is important to remember that regardless of the challenges you face to receive it, all mothers need and deserve support during their motherhood journey. There is plenty of research and literature showing the benefits of having support for your physical, emotional, and mental well-being, with recent studies finding that receiving support can even significantly reduce your chances of developing postpartum depression (1). So yes, you need and deserve support as a mother.
Once you have accepted this as truth, identifying what type of support you need is the next big step. From there, you can find and focus on solutions that can help with your specific needs and situation.
Even though everyone’s situation is different and there is not a one-size-fits-all solution, here are a few tried and proven solutions that can be a great starting point for you to begin receiving the support you need during your journey.
Finding a community
Find your “mom community”. As much as we would like to just rely on the same
friends that we have had for years, this is the time to branch out and meet new people. This is understandably scary and anxiety-provoking for many, but when we take a leap and meet with new moms at a local cafe or park, we find community and connection in our experiences, thus reducing our feelings of isolation. You might develop an encouraging friendship, make a playdate friend, or have great conversations about how to better navigate each day.
If going outside seems too daunting or is not feasible, online support groups (social and/or therapy-based) are also available. Use social media, meet-up apps, and other online resources to find groups in your area. Remember, find a group that aligns with YOU. Some may find playdate groups most advantageous whereas others may be looking for a mom social event that leaves the kids at home. Either choice is a great start!
It’s good to talk
Have honest, and tough, conversations with your partner. Schedule a date with them, grab a snack or drink, and talk about what you have been experiencing. Begin the conversation with things you have enjoyed thus far in the journey and positive affirmations about their support. Leave space for your partner to share their feelings and experiences as well.
When you transition to talk about your challenges and what you need to improve your support and connection, make sure to use “I” statements to reduce harsh-sounding criticism and language. “I have been feeling alone taking care of the baby at night. Taking shifts at night will help me get better sleep, which will help me mentally during the day. What are your thoughts on this solution?” is a great example of how communication with your partner can be both direct and respectful at the same time.
Speak up
Be prepared to advocate for your physical and mental needs with your healthcare
providers. Unfortunately, the traditional healthcare system falls short when it comes to encouraging support for mothers beyond the first few days and weeks postpartum. Even if your doctor says “you are good to go”, if you do not feel this way, it is necessary for your well-being that you speak up and ask for additional resources. If you are not feeling heard and respected, get a second opinion. Do not give up!
Understand that when it comes to getting mental health support, it does not mean that you are mentally unsound or that you will automatically be placed on medication. Many find mental health support to be the safe, non-judgmental space they need to share their most intense thoughts and feelings. Getting the support you need, especially for your physical and mental recovery can be the difference between a happy life and a sad tragedy. Take your health seriously.
Remember, it truly takes a village—not just for the child, but for the mother as well. Pick one form of support to start with and then continue to build around that, one step at a time. It will not all be better overnight, but over time and with the proper support, you will begin to enjoy and embrace the postpartum journey more than you can imagine. Support is what makes the world go round.
References
- Cho, H., Lee, K., Choi, E. et al. (2022) Association between social support and postpartum depression. Sci Rep 12, 3128 . doi.org/10.1038/s41598-022-07248-7
About the Author
Dantrel Perryman is a mom of two and a perinatal mental health coach and counselor. She provides virtual (and in-person) services to pregnant and postpartum moms who are desiring to feel more prepared, supported, and empowered in their journey. Visit her website at www.anotherperspective4u.com for more information. Email: dantrel@anotherperspetive4u.com