Three Keys To Calming An Angry Child

By Sonali Vongchusiri

Have you ever watched your child erupt in anger and felt at a total loss for what to do or how to help? Maybe it just didn’t make sense—they had a 10/10 explosion in response to something that seemed like a 1/10 to you.

Anger is a powerful emotion. Many of us weren’t taught how to deal with anger—we learned to squash our anger, fearing that if we felt it, we might react in ways we’d later regret. So we try the same with our strong-willed kids. We tell them, “Don’t make such a big deal out of it.” But it doesn’t make it better, and we soon find ourselves back in a similar situation.

Knowing we want something different for our kids, we try the well-intentioned parenting advice: “name it to tame it.” We say, “It seems you are angry.” Now you probably know as well as I do that naming emotions with a determined child usually backfires. Rather than dissipating anger, it usually ends up pouring gasoline on their anger fire. Whatever we try, we may find ourselves overwhelmed or frustrated by our child’s behavior. 

You've probably noticed that a lot of anger coping mechanisms for children don't work for your sensitive child. If your child loves making that calm-down glitter jar, yet they chuck it across the room when you hand it to them in a charged moment, know you are not alone. You simply have a deeply feeling kid.

And I’m right there with you, my friend. That's actually where my work started. My child was struggling with anger and aggression so severe that specialists told me they couldn't help. So what do you do when you've tried so many things that should work and they just don't?

Let’s dive into the art of calming your angry child with three keys that are specifically formulated for strong-willed kids.

Defuse your child's anger

First, a different perspective. Your child is throwing that glitter jar because their anger is trying to protect them. Think of the anger you’re seeing as a mask, and what’s actually underneath anger is a vulnerable fear. A glitter jar is a well-intentioned attempt to meet the anger, but it simply doesn’t address the underlying fear, which is why it doesn’t work. By speaking directly to the fear, we can meet the true need and defuse the protective part of anger. 

Meet the Insta-Defuse. The Insta-Defuse acknowledges the fear and meets the need the fear is holding. Meet the fear, and the anger dissipates. By doing this, you create a restorative moment of calm. Here’s an example of an Insta-Defuse that has been a game-changer in my home. 

Scene: Your child is shutting down, running off, slamming doors, or they are screaming so much that nothing you say is getting through. I’ve discovered that often the first skill to go when dysregulated is the ability to process auditory information. So my solution is to go non-verbal. For younger children this may mean drawing a picture of what you want to express to your child. For teens, this may mean sending them a text message or writing a note on a piece of paper.

Parents have told me that they’ve been astonished to see their child literally stop mid-meltdown and turn towards them. And the parents feel themselves exhale and their shoulders relax as they use the Insta-Defuse. That sensation tells them that the Insta-Defuse is supporting them as well as their child.

Breaking anger patterns

Not all experiences of anger are created equal. One-time anger is different from being stuck in a cycle of anger. If you’re facing a meltdown every day before bed, or your child only calms down once you’ve snapped, then there is a pattern of anger.

Anger is an emotion. Hitting, yelling, and so on are dysregulated expressions of anger. To shift your child from reacting to anger, we need to create space. Space for our kids to realize they can feel a feeling and choose how they express it. Space for our kids to discover that it's OK to think about reacting negatively because they are angry, but then choose not to react negatively.

How do we do this? With a tool I call Wrap-It-Up, where we use positive feelings to wrap up the impulse to react negatively.

Mr. Rogers, an American children’s television show host who transformed the way we think about children, had a famous song, “What Do You Do With the Mad That You Feel?” One of the lines of the song goes "It's great to be able to stop when you've planned a thing that's wrong." The idea is that the child has planned something that’s wrong. This is wrapped up in something that feels great with “It’s great to be able to stop…”

My daughter has been able to “wrap up” her impulses. I wrapped up her experience by telling her, “An important part of growing up is noticing when you want to yell and then choosing something different.” Then, I gave her the words, “I have the impulse to...” and this allowed her to acknowledge what she wanted to do and then choose something different. She can say, “I have the impulse to yell,” or “I want to snap back at my brother, so I am asking if I can finish my dinner in my room”. 

I am not asking her to have her anger go away. What I am teaching her to do is to honor her relationships with others while also honoring the need underneath her anger.

Anger needs impact

Ever asked your kids to tidy up, and no one does it, then, despite your intentions, you yell and they clean up right away? You needed to impact your surroundings in some way and just didn’t know how to do that in a different way. That happens to kids, too.

Anger is a powerful emotion. To be resolved, it needs a powerful balancing action. It needs impact. What often happens is our child has a powerful reaction, like yelling or hitting. It gets impact, but it’s not regulated because someone gets hurt physically or emotionally, so it keeps our kids in the anger loop.

Here is a quick, supportive way to give your child impact: Write “this is hard” on a piece of paper, then tell your child to rip it up. It’s not going to get rid of the emotion, but it will allow them to move some of the pent-up energy because they’ve had an impact on the paper by ripping it. Then you can say, “Ok, kiddo…what’s really going on here?” to unlock what powerful impact they really need in that moment. 

As you meet your child’s anger, keep reminding yourself that this is a process. Take it one step at a time—pick one idea or one phrase from this article to try today when your child gets angry, and notice how both you and your child respond to it. Emotions, including anger, are as much a part of being human as having a nose, lungs, and a brain. We’re supposed to have them, use them, and respond to them.

About the author

Sonali is a parent coach, speaker, and founder of Forward Together Parenting. She’s been where you are with her own sensitive, strong-willed kids and has worked with thousands of parents worldwide. Her work is dedicated to sharing how you can confidently parent, have fun, and create lasting change that feels good.