Starting Over as a Parent Abroad
By Laura Devos
Raising a child isn’t easy. And when you add to the mix an international move—a change of culture, language, even climate (cue the intense heat!)—it can add completely unforeseen layers of complexity to it all. We also know that the expression, “it takes a village to raise a child” is true. When you leave home, you’re also leaving behind your circle of family, friends, neighbors—people you’ve depended on through thick and thin. Whether you came for a demanding job or your job title just changed to “stay-at-home-parent” this, in itself, is another massive transition that needs to be addressed.
So, where do you start when everything is new and it feels like the carpet has been pulled out from under you, and you’re suddenly on your back looking up? Well, first, you get back up. Remember, when times are hard, it’s not only you who are feeling this way, but also your child. Children are little sponges. They absorb our feelings and emotions and they’re constantly observing our verbal and non-verbal cues for signs of safety. If we are feeling nervous, uncomfortable and very stressed about a move, then chances are that they will be too. Our children rely on us for safety and security, first and foremost.
In order to be able to exude safety and security, we need to get ourselves up and proactively find ways to support ourselves in our new country.
Step 1: Diving inward
Spend some time thinking about what foundations you need to build your community, and how you can do that in your new home.
Reflect: What has been important to you and what are you missing? Think about what the most important parts of your support network were back at home and which components you can replicate here. What support did you need in the past? What made you feel held? You may not be able to bring your parents or extended family with you but what else felt supportive? Were you highly engaged in your child’s school? Did your neighbors help you out with the children?
Small steps: Taking the first little steps leads to big differences, so what are the first small things you can do? If school is an important component in your community, which it often is for parents, then look into what your child’s school offers. Perhaps a board, a committee, or an association? If there isn’t one, can you help to start one? If your little one isn’t in school yet, you can check which baby groups or playgroups are near your house. Where could you start to connect with other parents and potential neighbors?
Start outside your door: Sometimes your support system is waiting just the other side of your door. If feeling connected with your neighborhood is important to you, can you knock on doors and introduce yourself to neighbors in your building or compound? Maybe pass by with food from your country to share and say “hi”. Once you build a community around you, you’ll not only start to feel more supported, but your children will also feel it. They’ll see you ease up, and eventually they’ll feel like they can also safely expand their circles.
Be intentional in finding joy: Beyond the foundations of your community, you can think of your move as a way to expand and grow in the direction that you’ve always wanted to. Frame the move as an opportunity. Always wanted to play tennis? Find a court and sign up. Keen to connect on books? Find a book club or even start one! Does helping others light you up? Look into one of the many volunteering opportunities in Bangkok, supporting you to give back, as this brings both value and connection.
Step 2: Expanding outward
Embrace the newness, look on the bright side and pass this positivity and security on to your children.
Geography: Get a Lonely Planet Guidebook that has colorful pictures and maps, then you can curl up on the couch with your child, either ahead of the move or when you’re already here, and explore your new world. Point things out and ask questions, “What do you think the people are doing in that picture?” “Wow, that food looks yummy—would you like to try it one day too? Should we highlight it so we remember it? What color highlighter will you use, and mine will be another color so we know where to go back to?” “Look at the map—wow, Thailand is so big! Look, here is Bangkok... did you know…?” Engage in conversations, circle places that you want to go to together and connect experiences: “Ooh that beach looks pretty! It reminds me of the one we went to last summer… Do you agree?”
Language: Your child might be learning Thai at school. This might be a challenge for them, or they might feel uncomfortable or pushed back. Remind them that language is such an important tool to communicate and to get to know this new country. Sign up for a Thai language class yourself; see if some other parents from school are in one or want to start one. This is a great and fun social activity. Taking Thai classes shows your child what curiosity and effort look like and it might motivate them to try as well. It will also make daily life easier to navigate and Bangkok will start to feel a little more like home.
Culture: Take time to get to know Thai culture. Visit temples, engage in public celebrations like Songkran in April or Loy Krathong in November. Share what you learn about the holidays with your child. This helps in bridging, learning and communicating with those around you, and models respect and interest to your children.
As you build your community and network in Thailand, no matter how long you’re here for, you’ll start to feel connected and engaged—both vital to feeling like being part of a community. And as you find that ease within yourself, your child will also follow: softening, leaning into and embracing change, stepping away from anxiety and into excitement for this new chapter as a family.
About the Author
Laura Devos is a certified Parent Educator, mama of three, and founder of Extra Roots Transformational Courses & Coaching. She supports a wide array of families and specializes in supporting families with transitions abroad and third-culture kids. Learn more at www.extraroots.com or contact her at laura@extraroots.com or on InstaGram @extraroots_global