Restraint Collapse After School
By Kelly Patten
After a typical expat summer of long-haul flights, whirlwind visits, sleeping in various beds, and Grandma giving out one-too-many ice creams, it’s finally time to head back to school. After the wildly unstructured summer, the familiar routines and structure of the school year are a welcome relief for many families, including ours. My three-year-old headed back to school with an ever changing mix of emotions—beyond excited over her new rainbow sparkle backpack, nervous about her new teacher, sad to see less of Mommy and Daddy, curious which friends would be in her class. As a parent, I expected a few morning tears at drop-off, but I was ultimately unprepared for the level of tantrums and big feelings that came in the afternoons when we got home.
What is restraint collapse?
It turns out this experience is not a unique one and it even has a name—restraint collapse. The term was coined by counselor and parent educator, Andrea Loewen Nair. Basically, when kids hold it together all day at school, they lose it when they get home to their safe place. This might look like shouting, crying, tantrums, whining, or being rude or generally illogical. Think back to your own days at school. You’re doing your absolute best to listen and follow directions, you’re exploring peer relationships, learning new skills, moving about a large building, interacting with new adults—the list goes on. Imagine now a bubble. It grows bigger and bigger until finally, it pops. All of the stimulation of the day reaches its peak and flows over in the form of a meltdown.
How to support your child
So what can you do as a parent? First, acknowledge that these after-school meltdowns can feel challenging for you too! Take a deep breath; remind yourself this is normal and you will both get through it. Consider these strategies as you navigate the minefield of after-school meltdowns:
Time for decompression
Just like adults, kids need quiet time with less stimulation. Instead of offering a choice of snacks, have a favorite snack ready to go and avoid debates and decision fatigue. Consider putting out a quiet toy your child enjoys. A basket of books, playdough, or building toys like LEGO or MagnaTiles are all great choices. Other kids might need physical exercise to help regulate their systems. Consider a quick trip to the park, or if that’s not an option, look up fun exercise videos on YouTube like Cosmic Kids Yoga.
Build in connection
Remember that you are your child’s safe space. Try to set aside 15–20 minutes to focus solely on your child. Set aside work emails, scrolling your phone, and prepping dinner, and let your child guide how you use the time together.
Set boundaries
Sometimes I think my daughters have much busier social lives than I do! It’s easy to want to sign them up for every class and playdate that comes their way. After-school cooking and toddler Zumba? Yes please! While I know my daughter would enjoy these activities she also thrives on quiet time at home. Resist the urge to overbook your child. Currently we only have swimming classes and that feels just right for this back-to-school season.
As I write this, I realize all of this is easier said than done. Did my daughter melt down after school today? Yes, she most definitely did. We picked up a coconut on our walk home, did some puzzles with her baby sister, and snuggled up to watch Frozen on the couch. It’s not perfect, but as long as the meltdowns continue I’ll be here to help her stay grounded and connected.
About the Author
Kelly is mom to Freya and Daisy and recently went back to work as an early years teacher. She previously worked as a primary educator and literacy specialist. Kelly loves reading fiction books, listening to true crime podcasts, and watching Disney princess movies.