Paternal Mental Health in the Postpartum Period

By Dantrel Perryman

Motherhood is one of the most challenging yet rewarding phases of our lives. We have experienced sleepless nights, body changes, and emotional ups and downs. We have been a part of mom circles, sharing the struggle to juggle everything while trying to feel like ourselves again. Although there is still much work to be done in supporting maternal health, we know how crucial it is to take care of our mental well-being. We are doing the best we can for our families, taking it one day at a time.

Then there is the father, also playing an integral role in the child’s development but often being lost on the sidelines as we busily try to figure out all the pieces to parenthood. We feel their presence in the room but can feel too overwhelmed to ask for help. They try to offer help, but sometimes our anxiety drowns out their offers of support. We can sense there is a shift in the relationship, but we are so exhausted from everything, we forget to check-in and see what is going on.

Fatherhood, like motherhood, is a transformative experience that involves emotional, mental, and even hormonal changes. Fathers navigate internal shifts while also dealing with external changes like a new division of labor, balancing work and parenting, and societal expectations to be the family’s protector and provider. The pressure to "get it right" intensifies, making this phase more challenging than anticipated.

Why should I care about this when I am already trying to manage everything else?

With 1 in 4 mothers and 1 in 10 fathers struggling with postpartum depression and/or anxiety (1), the truth is that during this vulnerable and sensitive time, we need each other, and the mental health and wellness of BOTH parents really matters—for the individuals, the relationship, and the bond with the child. Did you know that a mother’s mental health is a significant factor in a father’s mental health during the postpartum period? Or that mental health distress in fathers could potentially impact their bond with their child and the child’s emotional development (2)? It is all interconnected and important to acknowledge. It is not a competition on who matters more, but rather a collaborative mission in making sure that both parents’ mental health is protected and supported.

What are the signs of a dad in distress?

Common signs to watch out for include (3):

•           Withdrawal or isolation from the relationship, child, and/or loved ones

•           Engaging in risky, impulsive, or unusual behavior such as excessive alcohol consumption, overusing prescription drugs or ingesting illicit drugs, reckless driving, or excessive or impulsive buying/spending

•         Physical symptoms such as frequent headaches, stomachaches, or unexplained muscle/nerve pains

•           Symptoms of anxiety such as racing heart, panic, and/or restlessness

•           Agitation or irritability; sudden outbursts or violent behavior

•           Lack of sleep and/or poor quality of sleep

•           Any behavior that seems to be abnormal and of concern

What should I do if I notice a dad in distress?

While every person is different, one of the best practices is to address the situation with honesty and empathy. Ask yourself: if I was struggling mentally and feeling overwhelmed, how would I want someone to support me? It is important to honestly address your concerns with your partner about what you are observing, while avoiding using criticism or blame. Instead of saying, “You are so distant these days. What is wrong with you? I am raising our child all on my own!”, you can rephrase and say, “I am noticing that you have seemed distant recently. I know there are a lot of changes happening and we are not getting good sleep, so I wanted to check on you. How have you been feeling lately?”

Some behaviors, like impulsive spending or excessive substance use, may require urgent attention, but it is still important to approach them from a place of concern not ridicule. If conversations at home aren’t enough, it may be time to consider seeking support from a mental health professional. There tends to be a stigma around men seeking mental health support, so it can be helpful to remind your partner that getting help is about showing up as your best self for the family.

We've talked it through, but now it's time for some changes. What steps can we take?

Once you have had the important conversations and understand the underlying issues that are impacting the relationship and postpartum experience, there are a few starting actions you can take to help improve the experience for everyone.

1. Re-evaluate the division of labor

Perhaps you both talked about how things would be done before you had a baby, but now that baby is here, the plan is not working. Or maybe you never had the conversation, and you are feeling like the weight of responsibilities is one-sided. Instead of hoping that they will read your mind, or exhausting yourself with requests all day, sit down together and write out a list of all the tasks that need to be done within the home. Then with each task, decide together who will manage each one, making specific notes on what days and times each task needs to be completed. Check in weekly to see how the schedule is going and if any adaptations need to be made.

2. Prioritize one-on-one connection

This one tends to be the most challenging, but it is truly essential. Start small with finding pockets of time during your day while your child is asleep to sit together and connect without any electronics. Conversation-starter cards, a fun game, or cooking together are some great options to fuel connection. As your child begins to become more independent, investing in childcare and getting time together while away from the house can be included.

3. Schedule solo time

The key to avoiding this becoming an argument is to agree and schedule in advance the “solo time” for both parents. An hour or two of solo time away is a great start while you both get comfortable with your new way of life. While the mother is away, this also becomes a great opportunity for dad to get one-on-one time with the child(ren), and to learn about them and create a bond. When the person returns from their solo time, that parent needs to “tag back in” and take on the next childcare task for the day. Remember, this time is about recharging—not avoiding responsibilities.

4. Lean on your community

Your “team” does not have to have just two members. Whether hired help, friends, family, or parent groups, know that you two do not need to do this alone. Encourage dad and child playdates on weekends, and make sure any other gatherings include dad friends so that your partner can be included in the experiences as well.

Considering a dad’s well-being does not mean sacrificing yours. The ultimate goal is that both parents feel supported and, as a result, can show up as the best version of themselves for the family. It can truly be a win-win for all.

References

1. Da Costa, D, Danieli, et al. (2019) A prospective study of postnatal depressive symptoms and associated risk factors in first-time fathers. Journal of Affective Disorders, 249, 371–377. doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2019.02.033

2. Leiferman, JA, et al. (2021) Anxiety among fathers during the prenatal and postpartum period: a meta-analysis. Journal of psychosomatic obstetrics and gynaecology, 42(2), 152–161. doi.org/10.1080/0167482X.2021.1885025

3. University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center (2021, June 15) Paternal postpartum depression: How to recognize and cope with it. UT Southwestern Medical Center. utswmed.org/medblog/paternal-postpartum-depression/

About the Author
 

Dantrel Perryman is a mom of two and a perinatal mental health coach and counselor. She provides virtual (and in-person) services to pregnant and postpartum moms who are desiring to feel more prepared, supported, and empowered in their journey. Visit her website at anotherperspective4u.com for more information. Email: dantrel@anotherperspective4u.com; Instagram/TikTok: @anotherperspective4u