Not Just a Girl

By Rachel Ofo

It was a warm Saturday morning, and I had a baseball game. I remember walking up to bat, taking note of the pitcher, then quickly ending up on the floor. I was crying, covered in salty tears and clumps of red sand, with a baseball-sized welt on my face. Between angry coaches, worried parents, and a nonchalant pitcher, I was confused and just wanted to go home. Much of the event was a blur, but I do remember the smug look on the pitcher’s face and the repetition of “He hit her on purpose because she’s a girl” from one of my coaches. He even apologized for not teaching me to duck. That was the life I would be taught to live—either hiding or looking to someone else for help. Would I be constantly questioning the motives of people, worried that they deemed me inferior? Up until that point, ignorance was truly bliss. Nearly 30 years ago, I learned a hard, painful lesson about how life would treat me because I’m just a girl.

Life lessons

At that moment, the only thing I thought I learned was that boys were mean. However, looking back, I gained so much more insight into life and the world outside of my bubble. Recently there has been a general, and pleasant, shift from feeble princesses and our nineties “Barbie girl”. It’s nice to see women lifting weights. It’s refreshing to not feel shame when stepping out in sweat pants. Being able to travel and even move to other countries as a single woman has been one of the best experiences of my life. This acceptance of girls and women having more autonomy and overall strength has to have begun within. To make conscientious decisions to challenge views and beliefs ingrained in us takes real effort. When my daughter asks, “How do I look?” I have to fight the urge to reply, “Good” or “Cute!” and instead opt for “How do you think you look?” And after she answers, a simple “And that’s all that matters” follows from me. Even though my answers never change, she never stops asking, but I know each time, her confidence and self-assurance are a tiny bit stronger, which I hope she’ll continue to cultivate into adulthood.

Raising independent thinkers

With my daughter, I try to encourage independence. Will I urge her to walk down a dark soi at night? Absolutely not. One of my favorite life quotes is “Thinking ability will keep watch over you, And discernment will safeguard you.” (1) Giving our daughters the freedom to think will strengthen their ability to discern safe and unsafe situations. It can be scary, especially when we can’t control the actions of others, but all we can do is what we can do. And stressing over what we can’t do can rub off on our daughters. Studies show that oftentimes, children can recognize and be affected by the stress we feel (2). So the main takeaway is to breathe, take a step back, and reevaluate what we say, how we say it, and, especially, why we say what we say to our daughters.

Our motives also make a huge difference in the effectiveness of what we teach and share. Manipulation may appear successful at the moment, but again, what we do now will affect our daughters in the future. Any behavior they are used to accepting from us will inadvertently teach them what to accept in adulthood. Teaching from a place of love and compassion will build stronger daughters because it relies on trust and understanding, as opposed to fear. This means, even when we are angry, remembering that “your anger is not about your kids, it’s about you” (3), may help us regulate emotions, allowing for more effective communication. When our daughters see that, it will inevitably teach them a thing or two about the strength behind controlling emotions as opposed to allowing emotions to control us. It’s also noteworthy to mention that how we treat ourselves and our daughters may trickle out to how we treat other girls around us.

Be kind to others

Unless it’s regarding a serious health or safety issue, it’s not our job to judge or comment on other people’s children, especially when it comes to physical appearance, and especially to their faces. I can’t count how many stories I’ve heard of well-meaning adults who’ve made comments on little girls’ weights or looks, ultimately hurting the child. I’m not advising to not compliment girls—on the contrary. However, compliments shouldn’t be limited to things they can’t control, like genetics, but balanced with skills and attributes they can be proud of or that they’ve worked hard for, like academic ability, athletic ability, personality, or even the outfit they worked hard to put together that day. A “Wow, the way you held your own bag the whole walk was great! You’re so strong!” can go a long way. Along with this, seemingly harmless comments should be used sparingly. One day, my daughter, Juliette, came in sad because she couldn’t use the remote control car because “it’s only for boys”. As if women don’t drive, design, and build cars, motorcycles, rocket ships, and every other vehicle known to humans. So we must be mindful of what we say to others; it takes real work.

Overall, the foundation I’m setting now will hopefully help build a strong, confident woman in the future. I just want my daughter to continue being the happy, confident, dinosaur-loving girl she is today. I want to show up for her through successes and failures. I want her to traverse this life feeling loved, even if someone around her doesn't act loving. I want her to search within herself for the affirmations she needs. I want her to understand that although it feels good to hear nice things from people, it’s not necessary.

Hard things don’t get easier, we just get stronger. We have to aim to be a “girl’s girl”, which means supporting all the girls and women around us, giving strength and voices to those who may not feel confident. Strength can come in all forms, whether emotional, physical, or psychological. We should be teaching them that even if life comes at them hard and fast, like a baseball, they can handle it. Just get up, dust themselves off, and carry on. Whatever we do and whatever we teach, let’s remember to do it in love. Let’s love our daughters so much that when someone is “mean”, it won’t faze them. Let our daughters find their strength from our love.

References

1. New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures (Study Edition), Proverbs 2:11
2. Penn State, “Parenting Stress and its Impacts”, Thrive Blog (Jun 6 2023) thrive.psu.edu/blog/parenting-stress-and-its-impacts/ 
3. Tania Ciobanu [Instagram post] instagram.com/iamtaniaciobanu/

About the Author

Rachel Ofo moved from the US to Bangkok in 2016 and spent six and a half years there. She has a daughter, whom she loves dragging around on various adventures like hikes and fishing trips. In her free time, she enjoys reading, watching movies, and trying new restaurants. She also enjoys being out in nature.