The New Me

By Cecilia Yu

In my 14 years as a mother, I have come to realize and accept that motherhood is a series of rebirths. With rebirth, it is implied that we die first. Yes, it does sound somewhat morbid. So, if you prefer, let’s call it “shed” instead. So, what do we shed? And what new parts emerge afterward?

This isn’t an exhaustive list. After all, I am not even at the empty nest stage yet. My youngest is seven, and my eldest is 14. I still find myself knee-deep in the muddy puddles of parenting but I’m making it to the sunnier, drier land of parenting a young adult. 

We shed the need for external validation. Replacing that is an inner knowing that “I have enough”. 

There was a time when I felt the weight of my worth was determined by the accomplishments on my CV. Honestly, these days the only weight I am concerned about is the weight of my bag holding all of my kids’ stuff and the mental load I sometimes carry into my slumber. Unlike the weight on my CV, I am not looking to increase these. I have enough to keep my mind and heart full. For better or, on some days, for worse.

We shed the need to stay silent to keep the peace. Replacing that is boldness.

I am not sure if it is age or just having been in this motherhood gig for so long, but I now have fewer filters for what comes out of my mouth. Some days I am exhausted. I am trying my best to be everything to everyone. With that, in return, I pay myself the benefits of authenticity. I will be bold and speak my truth—my whole truth—so that I don’t spend another minute committing to something that drains me or undermines my values. Why? It comes back to that weight I mentioned earlier, and the need to lighten the mental load. 
 

We shed the need to be part of the herd. Replacing that is taking a pioneering approach, even if no one is following us when we look back. 

To all the other parents: you do you. If it works for you, then continue doing it. My circumstances, my values, my setup, and so on, may be different from yours. Not better than yours—just different. So, I will not bite my tongue and mindlessly follow the herd chasing the latest trends in education or early childhood development psychology. Sometimes, I will have to pioneer my own paths in order to raise my children the best way that I know how and in the way that best suits them in the season they are in. And if I look back and no one is following, it is OK.  Remember #1? I have shed the need to be validated by others.
 

We shed the need to follow every fast fashion trend. Replacing that is comfort. 

Would I love to squeeze my post-baby body into my old Y2K clothes—if I could find them—and follow the new Y2K fashion trend? Yes, but the key word is “squeeze”. I love my body and I am not going to let myself go. I exercise, eat healthily, manage my stress level, and get my quality sleep in, but I have accepted that perimenopause isn’t a myth, and the changes happening within my body are very real indeed. So, I will embrace my current body frame and fit into items that allow me to inhale and exhale deeply, with comfort.  
 

We shed the need to control. Replacing that is going with the flow. 

I used to abhor indecision and ambiguity. It was downright unsettling, to the extent it gave me a stomachache at times. But over time I learned that others, including my children, aren’t me. That means their needs, their schedules, their developments, while intertwined with my life, aren’t mine to control. Letting go is truly liberating. It has been a hard lesson to learn, but I promise you, sleep becomes better and relationships improve, leaving us more moments to just be present in and to savor.
 

We shed the need to be at every social gathering. Replacing that is an appreciation for solitude. 

I enjoy people. I am not a hermit. But do I need to be at every party and event? No. A full confident no. With so many schedules to manage for my family, and school events to attend, I relish my moments of solitude. Being alone is very different from loneliness. Those moments when it is just me, a blanket, my couch, my favorite snack (which I don‘t need to share), and my Netflix are the most healing and rejuvenating moments a mom of two young children can have.

As I said earlier, this is by no means the full list of ways moms will shed and be reborn. I have only been on this mom journey for 14 years. Who knows how many more times, and in what ways, I will rise out of the ashes and transform like a phoenix? Nonetheless, I have enjoyed shedding so far. Each time, it has been liberating and humbling. I invite you to experience these feelings that no magic bullet coffee can replicate, and start contemplating how you have shed and been reborn since becoming a parent.
 

About the Author

Cecilia Yu is a self-compassion enthusiast and coach. Certified in integrative nutrition coaching, culinary nutrition, goddess yoga, and women’s circle leadership, Cecilia empowers mommies and their loved ones to lead a healthy, soulful life through anti-inflammatory dietary lifestyle, meditation, yoga, journaling, and her Self-Compassion Circles for Moms. For inspiration, follow her on @CeciliaADoseofVitaminL (FB/IG).