The Nanny Question
By Joe Barker
“Is having a nanny cheating?"
No, of course not. Whether it is helping with the cleaning, cooking, laundry or childcare, anything that reduces our workload makes us more relaxed, present, attentive and happier parents. Nannies are definitely one of the perks of parenting in Thailand. In fact, long ago, before I even knew we were going to be married let alone having children, my future wife told me that we would be raising our children in Thailand as then we would be able to afford a nanny. At the time, foolishly, I doubted her, clearly I didn't appreciate how thoroughly my life was planned.
I'm sure that those without nannies imagine they bring an almost Mary Poppins’ level of joy and happiness to lucky parents. Children immaculately dressed, polite and smiling, houses shining and clean. While the reality is a little less magical, having a nanny certainly makes parenting easier. Parents without any help must feel that the amount of child-free time we get is the stuff of myths. If I want to go climbing or need a couple of hours alone with a laptop, all I have to do is tell our nanny that she's in charge, something that she has long assumed, and then, so long as I can sneak out of the house before the children notice, I'm a free man!
More importantly, the laundry and cooking are all someone else's responsibility. Like enchanted furniture in a rather dull fairy tale, our drawers are always full of clean clothes, and, rather more excitingly, our table overflows with delicious meals.
Nannies are undeniably great. Ours makes my life so much easier, and yet one of my favorite things about going on holiday is not having a nanny. There are numerous reasons for this, mainly linked to my wobbly ego.
Having a nanny leaves me writhing with self-doubt as to whether or not I'm a proper father. I claim to be a Stay-At-Home-Dad (SAHD) but surely this is simply a sop to my pride; wouldn't, Father-Lounging-On-The-Sofa (FLOTS) be a more accurate title? After all, our nanny would do all this childcare better and with a lot less swearing than I do. As much as I reassure myself that I am a real parent, it is hard not to feel a hypocritical fraud when I'm lying by the pool, children home with Nanny, sipping cocktails and moaning to friends in the UK about the challenges of parenthood. I may have to work harder when we travel but at least the relentless childcare quietens those nagging questions of self-worth.
As if the way she forces me to confront my missing raisin d'etre wasn't enough of a reason to dislike employing a nanny, there is the sneaking suspicion that she knows she is better at parenting than me and resents having to watch my bungling attempts to change a nappy or remember how many meals to feed a four-year-old.
When Marty was born she certainly didn't think I was capable of caring for her precious new charge. If my wife said she was going to leave me with Marty for a while, Nanny understood that as, “let daddy hold the baby, but make sure he doesn't drop it, and take the baby off him as soon as you can.” It was several months before I could change a nappy without finding her hovering over my shoulder, and feeding Marty was almost impossible because as soon as he cried and I went to make his milk she would sweep him into her arms and be sat ready to feed him with the bottle I'd made. Such menial tasks, said her contented smile, were all I was to be trusted with. Eventually, after many patient explanations, it was accepted that I was allowed to look after Martin. In fact, by the time Alice came along it was expected that I would look after Marty so that she could concentrate on feeding her new baby, and thus my battle to hold the baby began again.
Much of my first few months as a parent was spent fighting the nanny for a little time with my children. Then, suddenly, I found myself struggling to find her when I wanted a bit less time with them. Marty was waking me at 4 am, so by 9 am I'd had plenty of quality time with my son and the thought of passing him onto his nanny, so that I could shower and nap, was delightful. It was precisely at this point that no nanny could be found. Similarly I would arrive home sweaty and exhausted after a hard morning on playground swing duty, our run home powered entirely by the promise of fresh clothes, a cool drink and a Marty-free-hour. At which point the nanny would invariably have gone to the market. Frazzled, I would have to face that most crushing of disappointments: finding that the child-free moments you are longing for have been cancelled.
It's easy to think that my dislike of nannies is the fault of our nanny and her suspicion of me as an interloper into the ancestral home. After all, she started as my wife's nanny over forty years ago so is far more a member of the family than I'll ever be. Really she is more of a paid, bonus mother-in-law than a conventional nanny, with all that entails for her hapless and inadequate pseudo son-in-law. She certainly has strong views on how our house should be organized and very much prefers my wife to me. While this could be a source of tension, we're actually incredibly lucky to have a nanny who has such a strong link to our children.
The real problem is that I'm uncomfortable sharing my home. When I'm dragged from bed to look after Alice I'm not really dressed for company and I don't want to be worrying about stumbling half naked into Nanny while I'm trying to change a nappy, juggle a screaming baby, make a bottle of milk and avoid waking anyone else up. Even when I'm decently dressed I don't want my semi-comatose morning hunt for caffeine interrupted, not even by the kindest of nannies.
It will seem strange to those who find themselves constantly battling housework, but one of the things I find most annoying about a nanny is the way chores I'd been saving up get done. I'm not saying I usually want to wash up, cook, or do laundry—who does?—but, if I'm honest, some days chores sound more fun than yet another hour of directionless childcare. Completing simple household tasks gives me a sense of achievement, and often the kids love helping. Washing up in particular is really just water play by another name. If we come down from naptime and discover that the pile of dirty dishes we'd been planning to play with has magically disappeared, we're all disappointed.
Thus while nannies are certainly not cheating, they can make me feel cheated out of the peace and privacy I want at home and deprived of the time and chores I want to share with my kids. Which might make you think that I want to get rid of our nanny, but you would be absolutely wrong. Much as I love having time away from Nanny, going back to her afterwards is amazing. After the exhaustion of perpetual parenting, it's wonderful to pass over child-rearing duties, and to rest, recharge and find time for ourselves.
Having a nanny may make me feel like a fraud of a SAHD, but it undoubtedly makes me a better, nicer and happier parent.
About the Author
Joe and his wife Diane moved to Thailand in 2018. Since the arrival of their son Martin in 2021 and daughter Alice in 2024, Joe has been a stay-at-home father. The whole family enjoys BAMBI playgroups and Thai beach holidays. Find Joe on SubStack: BangkokDad bangkokdad.substack.com/