Love in the Time of Children

By Joe Barker

It's February, which means it's time to think about love. Now, regular readers of this column will not be surprised to learn that Valentine's Day is largely uncelebrated in our house. Remembering Christmas and birthday gifts is a sufficient test of our generosity and imagination. Of course, we justify our disregard of this popular day by dismissing it as unnecessary and pretending that we show our love in other kind and thoughtful ways throughout the year. When we were younger, childless, and less exhausted, we might have shown our love with flowers, chocolates, romantic weekends away, and, hard though it is to believe now, sex. Now as exhausted parents, love is shown in very different ways. 

Say it with sleep, not flowers

Surely the greatest gift one parent can give another is sleep. Exhaustion is a state of being; at the moment, Martin is always up too early, and when he doesn't also decide to get up in the middle of the night, an existential crisis or weak bladder will ensure that we enjoy a broken night of sleep anyway. Presumably, this is nature's way of reminding us that raising a child is a young person's game. 

Piercing cries wrench me from my sleep and seem to stab me with acute physical pain. While my body throbs with exhaustion, I, in total disorientation (it could be 11pm, 1am, or 5am), flail for my glasses and try to remember how to use them. Nothing inspires greater feelings of love and tenderness than when, in these testing moments, my wife says “I’ll go”. I may express my undying devotion in grunts and a pig-like snore, but it's no less sincere for that. 

On the rare occasions when I, rather than my wife, get up, the fierce glow of pride I feel at my nobility almost makes up for the lack of sleep. Yes, it's midnight and I've been lying on a hard wooden floor for 30 minutes barely breathing for fear of stopping Marty from drifting back to sleep, but what a heroic gesture it was to allow my wife to remain abed. In times of yore, statues would've been erected and heroic poetry written for such deeds. My mind drifts as I imagine the prizes for such greatness, then I hear a soft snore and slink thankfully back to my bed. 

Let sleeping partners lie in

In the distant days of pre-baby bliss, I would frequently be woken by an alarm clock. The horrible ring of a bell or the dulcet tones of the radio frequently proved equally unappealing inducements to embrace a new day. I would fumble for the snooze button and drift back to sleep. Sadly, the benevolent designer of babies did not see fit to equip them with snooze buttons. Thus, while we are saving a tidy sum on alarm clock batteries, we are losing out on those delightful “just five more minutes” of sleep that could last a whole morning. Oh, happy, happy days. Of course, staggering downstairs, sleep-deprived and holding a baby screaming for milk, has its own hidden joys, possibly a little too well hidden at times, but I'm sure I will look back on these moments fondly one day.

When a howling, hungry child has ripped us from our sleep, I find that a simple “you stay in bed” is sure to be gratefully received, and rightly interpreted as a truer demonstration of love than roses or chocolates could ever be. Perhaps the statues will be a little smaller and the poetry a tad less epic, but there is still a simple, loving nobility to such actions. So if you're searching for that perfect Valentine’s gift, do consider simply leaving your loved one in bed while you and the children get up and play.

Netflix or bedtime 

Bathtime and bedtime with Marty are both lovely. While bathing Marty gets him a teeny-weeny bit cleaner, the bathroom floor gets thoroughly soaked as water is poured with many a joyous giggle through funnels and teapots repurposed as bath toys. A cute and endearing experience, followed by bedtime stories. Marty loves his books and as we cuddle up in his bed, he is at his most adorable. Despite an extremely generous five-book limit, we struggle to resist when he asks for one more story. We already have so many old favorites which vie with the newest arrivals from the library for the top spot on his most-popular list. Finally though, we have to stop, and after just one more “big hug”, we leave him to sleep. 

A heartwarming and delightful job, and yet as 7:30pm approaches, both my wife and I are silently hoping that the other will volunteer to do bedtime. It's been another long day, followed by an exhausting evening playing with Marty. All we want to do now is curl up on the sofa with a good book, or better, Netflix, for an hour or so before bed. Yet one of us has to do bedtime. What better gift for a partner than offering to do bedtime so that they can enjoy a favorite show? It might not sound as romantic as those pre-child movie nights, but it is sure to inspire just as tender feelings!

Poo-etry from the heart

Say what you will about children, but they do give you an unparalleled opportunity to become intimately involved with any number of bodily fluids. Not a pleasant job, but babies make it clear pretty quickly that somebody needs to do it, and that somebody is probably you! 

Another stinky nappy means that both Marty and his reusable nappy need washing. The joys of toilet training mean that there may also be a potty and a large area of floor that need cleaning as well. Oh no! He's trodden in it. Where is this all coming from? How has he got it in his hair? Catching Marty before everything is coated in poo is not a one-person job, but once the mucky monkey has been restrained, it's time for another grand romantic gesture. 

Cleaning the offending child, the contaminated floor, and everything else they have come into contact with rivals anything that Hercules had to contend with; offering to take on this thirteenth labor can only make you look heroic in your loved ones’ eyes. I've come to believe that I'm never as beautiful to my wife as when I'm covered in poo that she hasn't had to be involved with. So if you're still struggling for that perfect gift, invest in some rubber gloves, a biohazard suit, and prepare to tackle the poo monster!

There are so many ways we can show our love for our partners in child raising. They may not be the usually expensive things traditionally associated with Valentine's Day, nor typically seen as romantic, but they are sure to be appreciated. So while our ideas of love and romance are very different to before children, there are still things we can do to show that love all year round. 

Photos from Canva.

About the Author

Having enjoyed taking his son to BAMBI playgroups over the past months, Joe is excited to volunteer with BAMBI. He and his wife moved to Thailand from the UK in 2018. In 2021 they were delighted to be joined by their son, Martin. They love exploring Thailand as a family, especially anywhere with a playground or sand.