Keepin’ It Together When the Family Gets Together

By Sonali Vongchusiri

We’re heading into the holidays, which means all the exciting things—school fundraisers and performances, holiday parties, and planning trips to see your family back home. You want to say “yes” to everything. Of course you do. That’s because you care about making memories with your family that your kids will remember into adulthood. You’re going to feel pulled in five directions because you want to meet everyone’s needs—your kids’ needs, your partner’s needs, your extended family’s needs, and let’s not forget your own needs—even though we all try really hard to not have these.

My intent is that you consider this article your holiday manual for all these needs. Your child’s needs matter. Your needs matter. And there are creative ways to meet them all. 

GETTING CREATIVE

First, a reframe. When I say there are creative ways to meet needs, I don’t mean there’s a magic way to clone yourself or make a 30-hour day. There are ways to set boundaries that can actually meet emotional needs like feeling approved of, acknowledged, appreciated, and valued, as well as create a sense of belonging. There are also creative ways to fill those emotional needs in seconds. 
 

Set boundaries by saying “no”

Let’s start with how to say “no” kindly. This might be to your children, to your friends and family members, or even to yourself.

• Acknowledge them AND you: “I appreciate you asking me. I love doing these things. And I’m swamped this week.” 
• Acknowledge the conflict within you: “I want to say ‘yes’ and I need to say ‘no’.”
• Set the stage: “Mom, the day we land, we are going to pop in and say hello for an hour and then go to the hotel room. I’m telling you now because the kids and I are going to want to stay longer, and I know we’ll need a quiet first day to adjust so that we can enjoy all the holiday excitement later.”
• Handling pushback: Use “given that” to honor your need. “Yes, I’m disappointed we won’t stay longer too. And given that we’re all still getting over jet lag, a good night’s rest will make it so we can enjoy tomorrow with you.”
• From STOP to PAUSE: Instead of focusing on leaving, focus on when and for how long they’ll get to do the thing next. “It’s 7pm—time for us to get to bed. We’ll be back to play with your cousins tomorrow for lunch for two hours. I wonder what games you will play together tomorrow?”
• Notice the half-life: Notice how long you think your child/spouse/you will last at a family event. Then halve that time. So, if you think your child might make it two hours, plan to leave after an hour. From my experience working with sensitive kids and parents, two hours of great family time that ends with a 20-minute meltdown is still depleting; one hour of restful family time that ends well is nourishing. 
• From scarcity to abundance: Instead of “I can only do this for two minutes tonight”, which focuses on scarcity, try “I have two minutes tonight… so you are about to experience the most phenomenal two-minute back scratch EVER. Ready?!”

Feeling better about saying “no”? Great! Pick one to remember for the holidays.
 

Fill emotional needs—the fast way

Have you ever bumped into a friend unexpectedly at a shopping mall, and her smile towards you and the way your child giggled with her left you beaming for the rest of the day? It might have only been a 30-second interaction, but it was a game-changing one. The same can happen for our kids. Our kids don’t want more of our time; what they want more of is us. What I mean by that is they want to feel a sense of our love inside their bodies. And when we’re open with ourselves, we want that felt sense of love as well.

Now, let’s go into how to create that felt spark of love inside your child’s body and your body. I call these “insta-connects” and teach this to parents all the time. I’ve had parents say things like, “Oh, my grandmother did that—she’d say ‘I love you,’ and I’d say ‘I love you more,’ and she’d say, ‘That’s impossible.’ I still remember how amazing it felt.”

An insta-connect is a small-yet-impactful interaction between you and your child where your child can feel your love for them in their body—and you feel it too. You put the same thing on repeat. Great times for insta-connects are last thing before bed or first thing in the morning. They are stabilizing and engaging, yet quick and easy, which makes them great for sensitive kids during the holidays when routines have gone out the window. Insta-connects bring that stability and security sensitive kids crave.

The keys to an insta-connect are: 1) you feel that spark inside you too; and 2) it takes less than 30 seconds.

Here are a few ideas for insta-connects:

• Have a ten-second “I love you” competition with your child to see who can say it more. Of course, your child wins and you sigh in feigned defeat saying, “OK, you win tonight. But tomorrow night, I win!”
• Fill up their necklace with “hugs” (squeeze it) and kisses for them to retrieve later.
• When they ask for “one more hug”, respond with “I was just hoping you’d ask me that”.
• With your family: hold a hug a few seconds longer than usual.
• With your family: give a really sincere, specific compliment about something/someone they treasure. For example, their child: “I noticed Emma bring over that toy Stephen liked last year. She notices people and has this generosity about her.”
  
   

CARE OUT, CARE IN

Now that you’ve got saying “no” and insta-connects down, there’s one final thing I want to share with you. Holidays are about being in the energy of care. The reason we want to do the parties and events and help is because we care. So, “care out”—care toward others—is higher during the holidays. To create balance, we also need to up the “care in”—self-care. I see self-care as not just physical care but caring for all of you—your emotions, your internal experience, and your needs. 

Now, let’s be realistic, there isn’t much time, so here are three insta-connects for connecting with yourself:

• Buy yourself a nice lotion, and when you use it, remind yourself that this is a little extra nurture into you as you give nurture out towards others.
• Instead of saying to yourself, “I need to make this work for the next two hours,” when you are at an event that’s important yet hard for you to be at, ask yourself, “Given that we’re here, what do I need to enjoy the next two hours?”
• Let yourself feel your feelings. You’re frustrated but don’t think you should be? Express it playfully: “I’m annoyed that oranges are orange”; “I’m frustrated that this couch is comfy.” Have fun with this one! You may be pleasantly surprised when your child chimes in with their own hysterical annoyances.

My hope is that these ideas allow you to not only navigate the holidays but also deepen your connection with yourself and those you love. After all, I think that’s what we all want when we get together with our loved ones for the holidays.
 

About the Author

Sonali is a parent coach, speaker, and founder of Forward Together Parenting. She’s been where you are with her own sensitive, strong-willed kids, and has worked with thousands of parents worldwide. Her work is dedicated to sharing how you can confidently parent, have fun, and create lasting change that feels good.