The Kaleidoscope of Love

By Ha Trinh

Phase #1: Define love again—learn and adapt

Getting married is like diving into the delightful world of human connections. We learn and adapt to each other’s unique ways of thinking and communicating, weaving a vibrant tapestry of love and understanding. In the dance of East meets West where I, Hanoian-Vietnamese, unite with my Midwest-American husband, we daily celebrate the charming diversity of passive, assertive, and occasionally aggressive styles. 

Picture this: I, raised with the notion that expressing desires upfront is crucial, clashed with my husband, accustomed to a softer, more reasoned approach. Initially, our communication styles collided, leading to impatience on my end and a perception of rudeness on his.

Another hurdle in our heartwarming family sitcom emerged with the discovery of love languages. Some might say discovering your family’s love language is like unlocking a treasure chest of affectionate expressions. To reach this sweet spot, we delved into our childhoods, uncovering “aha!” moments. I loved having quality time and genuine acts of service. Just like how my parents gave me space and time to be alone and creative in my room or to hang with friends, but each night one of them would also bring me some cut fruit or a glass of orange juice. In contrast, my husband was showered with a lot of encouraging compliments and affirmations. So when we tended to give what we liked, he would feel like I was either clingy or cold, while I let most of his nice words go in one ear and out the other because I didn’t value words. Only when we understood each other’s love languages did we realize what we were saying.  

Now, let’s navigate the whimsical world of problem-solving, where “he said, she said” takes center stage. Imagine a comedy of errors with men favoring practical solutions and women weaving tales of emotion. As we journeyed through adventures across continents during our ten years of marriage, we learned the importance of compromise and considering diverse perspectives. During discussions, we envisioned our parents beside us, understanding that differences in human nature are apparent; to not forget that we all come from different backgrounds, upbringings, and that we have different approaches to love.  Our goals shifted from winning to reaching common ground and strengthening our connection.

Through trial and error, we became more mature and understanding towards each other and ourselves. Accepting that we carry so much more than our bodies and personalities helped us see the bigger picture. In a way we feel connected to our roots and appreciate that we can contribute so many perspectives to any topic.
 

Phase #2: Love Through Hardship - A Kid in the Mix

The arrival of our child marked an enchanting evolution in our lives and in our communication. Witnessing her mastery of both our communication styles brought creative solutions to the forefront. Drawing on six years of shared experiences before her arrival, we aligned our parenting tendencies.

In caring for our girl, I provided abundant cuddling and daily massages, while he engaged in playful games and acts of service. Despite diverse expressions of love, we agreed on using gentle and honest language when communicating with her. Our commitment was for our child to always feel appreciated and loved, irrespective of her emotions. 

So when our kid feels overwhelmed, we help her articulate her emotions and feelings, followed by a warm, tight hug to release tense muscles, catering to her preference for physical touch. We sit on the floor, rocking back and forth until she feels ready to express herself. The process, taking about ten seconds, allows her to have a good cry. Once calm, she can explain to us what happened inside and what she thinks she could do differently next time. 

We take turns applying these steps, acknowledging and admitting mistakes when necessary. Clear and fair communication remains our guiding principle, recognizing that no one is perfect, but continuous improvement comes through active listening.

Phase #3: Love means letting go

Here are the personal steps we take to achieve balance in showing love while maintaining personal space.

Firstly, we practice mindfulness at home. We model, for our little one, the art of recognizing and respecting personal space. We teach her that it’s OK to give each other room when we're tired, sick, or engrossed in our own world. I use an app on my phone that will make a bell sound every 15 minutes. When we hear it, we all pause (even if we are eating) and take three deep breaths. It’s a routine, and it’s building up a habit of waiting and keeping in touch with ourselves. The need to move, talk, ask, and do has to be put on pause for those breaths. It’s powerful, and it’s teachable.

Secondly, as a family that seeks to nurture their connection amid the hustle of life, we need dates. These aren’t just reserved for romantic outings but also for mini-adventures with our child. Whether it’s a father–daughter date or a girls’ date, we appreciate the fact that we can have little secrets with our little one and bond in different ways. She knows that she can be active and playful with her dad, while she can look for a girly side with me whenever she needs it. We have routines on the weekends, which helps her know that we both intentionally want to spend time with her. Saturday mornings she will let us both sleep in to recharge. During the day we all do our own thing or have girls’ time in the afternoon. On Sundays, she will be up with my husband, having breakfast and relaxing together, or going out for their date. If we all want to explore a new place, then it’s a family date. On the other hand, our child encourages us to enjoy our moments away and together, emphasizing family unity.

Evident to us, including our now five-year-old, is that each of us has distinct needs and ways of receiving love. Embarking on the delicate dance of showing love while maintaining personal space is like orchestrating a beautiful melody of connection and independence in the symphony of family life. Achieving balance feels wonderful and sounds harmonious. 

Lastly, self-care emerges as the superhero in this tale of balancing love and personal space. Banish the guilt that may arise when you yearn for alone time. It’s essential to recharge your batteries for the collective well-being of the family. Well, in my home, we often say “my mom just sleeps” because I need a lot of sleep to recover. I’m confident in showing my daughter that her mom can choose to prioritize her physical and mental health as a way to maintain her best self. We recognize our own signals when solitude beckons. Be it a warm bath, a good book (for her), a quiet walk, or simply unwinding in our favorite corner (for him), solitude is the key to balancing a healthy equilibrium.

Photos courtesy of the author and Canva.

About the Author 

Ha Trinh is an enthusiastic international educator who has lived abroad for over ten years in Vietnam, Mozambique, Laos, and now Thailand.