“It’s not fair!” Sibling Rivalry From Childhood to Adolescence

By Anna (Anatta) Zarchi

Whether it’s fights between toddlers or rivalries between adolescents that you’re dealing with as a parent, one thing is clear: parenting more than one child isn’t always easy. But why do siblings fight, and what is the best way to handle it as a parent? Our counselors at NCS have some insights that may help.

Dealing with a new sibling

My first memory of my younger sister coming home from the hospital was suddenly being told that from now on I would have to sleep on my own; a scary surprise that I was completely unprepared for. As a child scared of the dark, my nights soon became a series of nightmares about Maleficent from “Sleeping Beauty” (my greatest childhood fear). Hiding under the covers frozen with fear, convinced that I could see her eyes watching me in the dark, I felt completely abandoned. The cause? My sister. I would only realize almost 20 years later that I had unconsciously associated my parents’ sudden “abandonment” with her arrival, a segue into years of tension and clashes.

A young child is just starting to familiarize themselves with their surroundings, so naturally, having a new sibling is something that could throw the world as they know it completely off-balance, especially if it means that their parents’ attention is compromised. NCS counselor Dave advises preparing your child for the arrival of their sibling ahead of time as much as possible to give them the maximum amount of time possible to get used to the idea.

NCS counselor Savinee adds: “Explain to them what having a sibling means and how this might change your family routine,” and, most importantly: “Don’t completely drop the older sibling”.

It’s difficult to balance your time when you have a newborn, but if your behavior toward your older children changes abruptly with no explanation, they may feel abandoned, hurt, and confused, and they might associate these feelings with their new sibling which could lead to more conflict in the future. Even if siblings don’t end up being the best of friends, they will always be someone who understands you in a way that no one else does, and that’s a very special thing to have. It also means having a built-in playmate. Try to highlight all these positives of having a sibling to get your child into a good mindset about it.

Childhood to teenage rivalry

There are several reasons behind sibling rivalry. Siblings could be subconsciously competing for their parents’ love and attention, or it could be that they simply do not get along. After all, different people have different personalities, and sometimes they clash, especially with someone they’re constantly in close quarters with. Kids are often easily irritated and very expressive about it. Counselor Dave explains:

“They don't have the skills to control their behavior or deal with the behavior of others that they might find annoying, so this is a common cause. Insecurities in children will come out in family settings, so if one child feels less successful than the other, this could trigger insecurities and competition. This would also be made more prominent if parents inadvertently encourage competition between their children by overly focusing on academic, sporting, or other achievements.”

Children can sometimes be jealous of their siblings, even if they aren’t aware of it. If this is the case with your child, counselor Savinee recommends looking for the underlying reasons behind their actions and emotions. Why are they jealous? Is this caused by a specific situation or by the way you interact with them? You might not realize that you are putting more effort into one sibling than another or that you are being biased, so it’s important to keep an open mind and truly listen to what your child has to say without dismissing their concerns. If your child feels a certain way, there is likely a reason for it. If there is a misunderstanding, try to clear it up without dismissing or invalidating their feelings, as that will likely cause them even more hurt down the road.

Another important thing counselor Savinee advises is to not immediately pass judgment or have an instant negative reaction when there is conflict. If your children are fighting, try to handle it as calmly as possible and delve deeper into what happened rather than instantly taking sides based on previous experiences. Some children only get told off for their reaction, while the offending sibling or peer goes unpunished because the adult is biased or walked in at the wrong moment. This is why it’s important to find out as much as possible. There could be more to the story than what you see. Counselor Dave recognizes that it’s impossible to be completely neutral; however, he suggests assessing how to handle each situation individually. He says: “Wherever practical, listen to each person's side of the incident and try to come up with a reasonable outcome based on the situation. Different approaches will work for different children, so be willing to try a few if the current one doesn't seem to be working.”

Favoritism

When talking about siblings, it’s almost impossible to avoid the discussion of favoritism, especially if the clash is due to family dynamics rather than personality differences. It goes without saying that parents should not display favoritism, as it could impact a child’s sense of worth, especially if this is something they experience continuously or frequently. Counselor Dave explains that this could have “a significant negative impact on their self-esteem and mental health growing up”. He also adds that realistically, it is impossible to treat each child exactly the same, as they are each unique and have unique relationships with their parents. To keep any sense of favoritism to a minimum, our counselors’ best advice is to highlight each child’s strengths and individuality so that they feel “valued for who they are”.

At the end of the day, a certain amount of sibling clashes are to be expected, so don’t be surprised if it happens sometimes. Try to handle each situation calmly and as well as you can, and remember that the best thing you can do for your children is to listen to them and show them that you love them.

About the Author

Anna works for New Counseling Service (NCS), the first and only licensed mental health center in the heart of Bangkok. NCS has provided counseling services in Thailand and surrounding regions for over 20 years, with therapists specializing in a wide variety of issues such as anxiety, depression, work stress, relationships, and more. 

Contact: info@ncsbkk.com; Phone: +66-2-114-7556; ncsbkk.com; FB/IG: @ncsbkk.