The Importance of Self Care

It’s easy to let the role as a parent consume you and forget to take care of yourself along the way. A mom who’s been there shares her ideas to help regain your footing.By Jinae Higashino When a first child is born, it signifies not only the birth of a baby but also heralds in the birth of a parent. It is a wonderful and crazy new world one is launched into. As a new parent, you are filled with wonder and awe and a love like never before, and also crushed with an overwhelming sense of responsibility.There is a steep learning curve that never really lets up, as children seem to be always moving on to new and unfamiliar stages of development, just when you think you’ve got the previous one figured out.

...self-care as a parent is not so much a luxury as it is a necessity.

The loss of freedom coupled with the constant workload of keeping small humans alive—let alone meeting their mental and emotional needs—can be difficult to say the least, and sometimes the challenges can be overwhelming.During the hours and days after my first daughter was born, I remember fervently committing myself to being the best parent I could be. More than anything I longed to be in tune with my child and do as little damage as possible in order to give her the best start in life. Though a nice sentiment, the high expectations I set for myself eventually became a heavy burden. I wanted to do everything right, but in the end, it was agonizing to realize I couldn’t be the super parent I aspired to be.It was easier when she was a baby. I had some extreme challenges—a 52-hour un-medicated labor, a poor latch that made breastfeeding torture for the first two months. My baby had colic and cried intensely for hours, and as with any new mother I was severely sleep deprived. But emotionally it was simple, she needed my care and I was willing to go to the ends of the earth for her. I even took on making organic baby food and reading every parenting article and book I could get my hands on.The emotional simplicity of the relationship changed with the advent of tantrums and power struggles, and I found myself faced off with an intense and strong-willed child. I wanted to be emotionally supportive for my daughter, but I found it difficult to balance that with enforcing limits and maintaining a semblance of sanity for myself. I blamed myself for my child’s explosive behavior, as I attempted in vain to respond to my child’s outbursts with unlimited patience which I soon found I didn’t actually possess. Any time I lost my cool I felt like an abject failure. Eventually, I hit an emotional wall as I kept falling short of my lofty aspirations in my relentless pursuit of parental excellence.

Love is not the negation of self, but the ability to bring your honest and whole self forward to connect with another.

At one point I felt so mentally and emotionally exhausted that I couldn’t enjoy anything about the parenting journey. Why was this so difficult? What was wrong with me? I was painfully disappointed with myself but also too worn-out to care. Despite my best intentions, I had somehow ended up feeling depleted, resentful and lost. Finally, it dawned on me that I’d been forgetting to invest in an important part of the equation—I needed to properly take care of myself in order to be the best parent for my child.It’s a common trap to let the role as a parent consume you, letting your child’s needs take precedence over your own and forgetting to take care of yourself along the way. Neglecting self-care can lead to resentment and burnout, and can inadvertently lead to entitlement in our children, or conversely lead them to emulate a lack of self-regard as they internalize what we have modeled for them.When I hit rock bottom, I realized that self-care as a parent is not so much a luxury as it is a necessity. When we as parents are depleted and running on empty, we cannot give from our best selves, since we are merely operating in survival mode. We all find ourselves in survival mode some days. This is totally normal. But staying in survival mode is not ideal or sustainable. 

Ways to replenish yourself

We need to find ways to replenish ourselves regularly and recharge in order to move forward from a place of wholeness. After realizing that, I made a conscious effort to get myself back on track and find joy in parenting again. These are the things that helped me:

Practice radical self-compassion

For me, this was the essential first step. I had been so hard on myself, but eventually, I realized there was actually no benefit to making myself feel bad. I acknowledged my limitations, began forgiving myself for mistakes and decided to embrace myself where I was at. I wasn’t great, but I was an ‘ok, good enough’ mom. Most of all I allowed myself to stop stressing about every little thing and to have compassion for myself as the imperfect evolving human I was.

Establish personal boundaries

Respect your limits and realize that your needs are important too. Say no to requests you don’t have the energy or emotional space for. Lower your own expectations if maintaining them is driving you crazy. I wasn’t doing my child any favors by running myself ragged. The more stressed or stretched thin I was, the less patience I had to deal with her. I began recognizing early when she would start pushing my buttons and address it while I was still calm, rather than letting it build up until I exploded.

Accept the negative emotions

Being a parent is not always enjoyable. You love your kids, but you’re not always going to love every aspect of the job. Learn to accept the negative emotions of your kids. Subconsciously at some point, I had taken on the burden of my daughter’s happiness. Once I let myself off the hook for keeping her happy (which was impossible!), I released myself from feeling threatened by her negative emotions. This then allowed me to more calmly wait out her storms and not see her upset feelings as a personal failing of mine. 

Take breaks to recharge

You need breaks! Ask for or hire help if you can. If hired help is outside your budget and your partner is regularly on extended business trips, perhaps find other parents you can do a babysitting swap with. Take a nap, go get a massage, meditate, exercise, watch funny videos, treat yourself—do what you need to do to feel replenished. Incorporate it into your regular routine so that you continue to get breaks on a consistent basis. 

Invest in you

Learn a new skill or pursue a hobby that brings you joy. Don’t forget to follow your interests and continue developing in new ways that are meaningful for you. For me, that has recently taken form in a re-discovered passion for photography. Having something that excites you and gives you an outlet outside of being a parent contributes to your sense of self and fulfillment. There is no one-size-fits-all solution for raising kids, but with a healthy perspective, the journey can be more manageable. You want the best for your kids, and part of that requires taking care of yourself. Love is not the negation of self, but the ability to bring your honest and whole self forward to connect with another. Life and parenting can be hard, but there is always joy and beauty to find as well. Wishing you well on your journey!Photos courtesy of the author. 

About the Author

Jinae is from the US, an experienced EFL teacher with a background in child development. She was BAMBI magazine assistant editor and served as playgroup co-leader for several different BAMBI playgroups. Jinae, her husband and two daughters have been living in Bangkok for 3 years.

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