The Hidden Struggle of Parenthood
By Jeannie Kim
The image of parenthood is often painted in rosy hues: cooing babies, first steps, and heart-warming laughter. But for many parents, the reality can be far bleaker. Beneath the surface of seemingly endless diaper changes and sleepless nights lurks a silent predator—parental burnout.
What is parental burnout?
Parental burnout is a state of chronic exhaustion, emotional detachment, and feelings of inadequacy plaguing parents due to the prolonged stress of child-rearing. A core feature of parental burnout is a growing emotional distance from one's children, coupled with persistent self-doubt about being a good parent (1). The burden of parenting leaves the parent drained to the point where the thought of their parental duties feels overwhelming.
This exhaustion leads to emotional withdrawal from their children. Interactions become less frequent and focused primarily on practicalities rather than emotional connection. Consequently, parents experiencing burnout lose the joy of being with their children and grapple with feelings of inadequacy. Unlike the immediate blues associated with the early postpartum period, parental burnout can strike at any stage in the parenting journey, affecting mothers and fathers. Additionally, the concept of good parenting has undergone a significant transformation in the past 50 years, which may increase the pressure on modern parents. What was once considered attentive parenting might be viewed as neglectful by today's standards (2).
Parental burnout manifests in three stages (3):
1. It's a crushing exhaustion that can be physical, emotional, or both. Parents often describe it as waking up already depleted, dreading the day's demands. Quotes like "When I get up in the morning, I’m already exhausted by the thought of what to do for or with the children" perfectly capture this sentiment.
2. Burnout leads to emotional distancing from children. Parents might feel like they're on autopilot, going through the motions, but lacking the emotional connection they once had. This disconnect is often expressed with phrases like: "I'm on autopilot”; “in robot mode”; “I'm no longer connected to my children."
3. Parental fulfillment wanes. The joy of raising children is replaced by a sense of being overwhelmed and fed up. While love for their children remains, parents experiencing burnout may find themselves thinking: "I love my children, I really do. But when I'm with them, I am fed up with parenting—I want to be something other than a mother (or father)."
This stark contrast between their current reality and their previous hopes for parenthood creates a vicious cycle. Parents feel guilty and ashamed for not being the parent they envisioned being or used to be. These feelings only deepen their distress.
How is parental burnout different from postpartum depression?
The distinction between parental burnout and postpartum depression is crucial. Postpartum depression, while sharing some symptoms like fatigue and low mood, is a clinical mood disorder with specific criteria. It usually manifests as intense sadness, hopelessness, and difficulty bonding with the newborn baby in the weeks following childbirth. Parental burnout, on the other hand, encompasses a broader spectrum of emotional and physical consequences stemming from the ongoing stress of raising children (4).
Who is at risk of parental burnout?
According to research (5), parents may face a higher risk of burnout when:
Parents strive for parental perfection: Unrealistic expectations for themselves can lead to disappointment and exhaustion.
Parents have high stress levels or find it difficult to manage stress: Stress can exacerbate any challenges associated with parenting. Parents who seek additional support from friends and/or family may find it easier to manage their stress.
Parents lack emotional or practical support from their co-parent: Strong partnerships and support networks are crucial for well-being.
There are significant challenges in the child's development: Children with additional needs may require more specialized care, potentially straining parental resources.
Parents struggle to find a work–life balance: While not directly a risk factor, finding a balance between work and parenting can be difficult and contribute to burnout.
What are the impacts of parental burnout?
The impacts of parental burnout extend far beyond the individual parent. It can cast a long shadow over the entire family. Imagine a parent constantly on the verge of snapping, perpetually operating on autopilot. Their capacity for patience, affection, and attentive care diminishes. This emotional withdrawal can create a rift in the parent–child bond, fostering feelings of insecurity and confusion in children. Furthermore, the stress and frustration associated with burnout can affect the relationship between parents, leading to increased conflict and a sense of distance within the family.
What are the warning signs of parental burnout?
The telltale symptoms of parental burnout are often subtle, easily mistaken for the everyday challenges of parenthood. However, chronic fatigue that transcends the usual "tiredness" of parenting, coupled with persistent irritability and emotional detachment from one's children, are red flags. Parents experiencing burnout might find themselves constantly overwhelmed, questioning their ability to cope, and losing the joy that once accompanied parenthood.
Three ways to tackle parental burnout
Thankfully, there is hope. Combating parental burnout involves three approaches: self-care, stress management techniques, and seeking support.
1. Self-care. Remember, self-care isn't a luxury; it's a necessity. Parents need to prioritize their well-being just as diligently as they prioritize their children's. Setting boundaries, even small ones, can create much-needed breathing space. Delegating tasks, whether to a partner, family members, or childcare services, alleviates the burden and allows for personal time.
2. Stress management techniques. Furthermore, incorporating stress management techniques into daily routines can be immensely beneficial. Mindfulness meditation, deep breathing exercises, and even taking a few minutes for a relaxing hobby can create a sense of calm amid the chaos.
3. Seeking support. When self-management techniques aren’t enough, seeking professional help shouldn't be seen as a sign of weakness, but rather a proactive step towards healing. Therapists and counselors can equip parents with coping mechanisms to manage stress, address underlying emotional issues, and foster a more positive and sustainable approach to parenthood.
Remember, parental burnout thrives on silence. By acknowledging its existence, identifying its symptoms, and prioritizing both self-care and support networks, parents can reclaim their emotional reserves and transform the relentless juggle of parenthood into a joyful dance with their children. While the challenges won't disappear entirely, by prioritizing their own well-being, parents can create a more enriching and fulfilling environment for both themselves and their families.
Photos from Canva.
References
(1) Roskam, I., Raes, M. E., & Mikolajczak, M. (2017) Exhausted Parents: Development and Preliminary Validation of the Parental Burnout Inventory. Frontiers in Psychology, 8:163. doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00163
(2) Roskam, I. et al. (2021) Parental Burnout Around the Globe: a 42-Country Study. Affective Science, 2:58–79. doi.org/10.1007/s42761-020-00028-4
(3) Mikolajczak, M., Aunola, K., Sorkkila, M., & Roskam, I. (2023) 15 years of Parental Burnout Research: Systematic Review and Agenda. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 32(4):276-283. doi.org/10.1177/09637214221142777
(4) Paula, A. J. D., Condeles, P. C., Moreno, A. L., Ferreira, M. B. G., Fonseca, L. M. M., & Ruiz, M. T. (2021). Parental burnout: a scoping review. Revista Brasileira de Enfermagem, 75, e20210203. doi.org/10.1590/0034-7167-2021-0203
(5) Mikolajczak, M., Gross, J.J., Stinglhamber, F., Norberg, A.L., & Roskam, I. (2020) Is Parental Burnout Distinct From Job Burnout and Depressive Symptoms? Clinical Psychological Science, 8(4). doi.org/10.1177/2167702620917447
About the Author
Jeannie is currently pursuing an honors degree in psychology with a focus on clinical applications. Prior to this, she was an acupuncturist specializing in fertility, stress management, and pain relief in Sydney for 12 years. With her unique blend of Eastern and Western therapeutic approaches and maternal perspective, as feature writer, Jeannie promises a valuable contribution to BAMBI magazine.