The Healthy Way to Respond to Your Child

By Anna (Anatta) Zarchi

We see a range of people at New Counseling Service (NCS)—children, teenagers, adults, couples, families—all with their own unique stories, but as we delve into the counseling process, we find many common themes. For example, childhood experiences are a theme that come up for our clients of all ages and backgrounds, whether or not they mean to bring them up.

Experiences from our childhood can shape our thought patterns and behaviors for years to come, and we encounter a lot of people who seek counseling for what they deem to be a current issue, only for us to discover a few sessions later that their childhood actually has a role to play in why they think, react, behave, or feel the way they do about many other things. No doubt many of you are thinking along the lines of childhood trauma, and while that is certainly true in some cases, there are actually more subtle factors that we’ve found very common among children, and that adolescents and adults still reflect on as something that shaped them.

In many cases, what we’ve found is that parents don’t always know the best way to respond to their children. Don’t worry—being a parent, especially for the first time, is extremely difficult and it’s normal to be unsure of the best way to respond. Let’s examine three common scenarios you may encounter and how our counselors would recommend responding in a way that is healthy for your child. 

Scenario 1: Your child wants to spend time with you when you are busy.

Imagine your child asking you to play with them while you are on the phone. You might brush them off, shush them, or snap at them. As people get older, we develop the capacity to understand that the other person is in the middle of something and could be feeling unequipped to respond. However, for a young child, this could be very hurtful and create feelings of being unimportant, especially if it’s a common occurrence. This isn’t always a conscious feeling, which is why, as mentioned earlier, people aren’t always aware that some of their issues stem from childhood. You might not mean to snap, but a young child doesn’t know that! 

It’s understandable to occasionally react like this—we can’t always have a perfectly regulated response, especially when we’re feeling rushed, overwhelmed, or stressed. So don’t feel guilty if this happens sometimes! However, there are ways to try and improve our responses.

Firstly, take a deep breath before responding. Then, in this scenario, you might say something like: “That sounds fun! I’m on an important call right now, but I promise I’ll play with you when I’m done”. Be genuine and show your child that you care even if you can’t be with them right now, and that you will make time for them as soon as you can. If you need a few seconds to process things before answering, that’s fine as well—take the time you need to formulate an appropriate response rather than accidentally hurting your child’s feelings with an instant reaction. If this does happen, address it afterwards. Apologize and explain your reaction to them. This will help them contextualize your response and understand that it was not because of some internal fault on their part. 

It’s also a good idea to set some boundaries together. When is it OK to interrupt? How can they tell whether what you are doing is important? How can they tell you that they want to spend time with you? You might have to explain this a few times before they understand, so be patient and persevere! 

Scenario 2: Responding to your child’s challenges

When a child tells you how they’re feeling, your first instinct as a parent might be to offer them a solution. Your child has a problem or isn’t feeling good about something, and you want to help. Seems logical, right? This is actually the opposite of what our child therapist Savinee recommends. She says: 

“Avoid suggesting or advising them on what to do. Sometimes children just want to express to you how they are feeling. They don't want advice —they know what they are going to do, they just want to be heard and understood. When they do want suggestions they will ask you, or you can ask them: ‘shall we think of solutions together?’ Keyword—together. Let them feel involved as well.”

What is often more helpful than offering a solution is to summarize what they’re feeling and repeat it back to them. For example: “I understand that you can’t concentrate on your homework because this is making you nervous.” This helps them contextualize their emotions and better understand what they’re feeling. You might feel helpless because you’re not offering any solutions, but remember, sometimes all they need is a listening and understanding ear!

Scenario 3: Actions and consequences 

Another issue our counselors commonly encounter is children who misbehave because they don’t receive consequences for their actions. It can certainly be easier in the short term to give in, but this can really affect their behavior in the long run. Childhood is the time to learn about right and wrong, and shoulds and shouldn’ts. What type of behavior is okay and what isn’t? What happens when you do something wrong? Children should receive reasonable consequences for their actions along with a reasonable explanation.

Let’s say a child pushes their sibling. Letting this slide would tell the child that this is alright for them to do. On the other hand, if you punish them without explaining to them why this was wrong, they might not understand why there were consequences. Instead, counselor Savinee says to explain to them why what they did was not alright and give them reasonable consequences for what they did, such as a time-out. This is very important, as we want them to not do it again because they know that it’s wrong and not because they are scared of the consequences. Do this calmly but firmly, as this best enables children to understand why their actions have consequences and will teach them about right and wrong—a lifelong lesson. 

Last but not least, remember that if you are unsure how to handle a situation or how to respond, you can always ask for help! Don’t forget that while children are learning how to navigate life, you are also learning how to be a parent. There are a variety of resources available to support and guide you, such as online parent groups, child therapists, and of course, BAMBI! 
 

About the Author

Anna works for New Counseling Service (NCS), the first and only licensed mental health center in the heart of Bangkok. NCS has provided counseling services in Thailand and surrounding regions for over 20 years, with therapists specializing in a wide variety of issues such as anxiety, depression, work stress, relationships, and more. 

Contact: info@ncsbkk.com; Phone: +66-2-114-7556; ncsbkk.com; FB/IG: @ncsbkk.