Fostering Independence in Children

Having great helpers and nanny is a blessing, but children can get too used to having everything done for them. Here are a few ways you can remind your helpers and motivate your children to take upon little personal tasks to become more independent.By Alicia Gilbert  Not so long ago, I noticed a troubling predicament emerging in my household. My nannies were doing everything for my children. Yes, my boys were young, but I knew they also needed the chance to learn to do these things for themselves! So I had a chat with my nannies and encouraged them to start handing over some of these tasks to my small children. Coincidentally, this occurred when I finished my job and was at home more. I got to see first hand the transition from my kids having everything done for them, to Mummy starting to ask them to at least have a go.

Developing independence can enhance a child’s motivation, confidence and help them develop some great habits of mind.

My three-year-old would get frustrated, but with encouragement, was willing to have a try at dressing himself and learning to put his shoes on. There were times when I saw his frustration but was able to show him new skills and break down these tasks into smaller steps he could manage. It worked. I was most amazed to see a little boy persevering on quite challenging tasks such as doing up buttons. Every day he would practice and after approximately two months, could do up the button on his shorts by himself. No mean feat for a little person!

Empowerment

My children now say things to me like, “I can do it by myself, Mummy!” This is even the mantra for my two-year-old who tells me proudly he can get dressed and do his teeth on his own. I am always delighted by their sense of accomplishment and pride. More importantly, I’m glad I decided to teach my children these all-important skills. As a primary school teacher, I had personally witnessed on the international circuit what happens when children are enveloped in a nanny culture. Our nannies are very well-intentioned, but sometimes need reminders, just like we do as parents. Children are competent beings and when given the chance, can surprise us!

Developing lifelong skills

On the flip side, I’ve seen children of Year-1 age unable or unwilling to put on their shoes, struggling to get changed at swimming, and refusing to carry their school bag.

My nannies were doing everything for my children.

I’ve worked with occupational therapists who will explain that these skills are fundamental. They’re critical because you’re developing fine motor skills (finger strength and dexterity) and gross motor skills (body coordination), and you need strength through your core muscles in order to be able to do many of these seemingly simple tasks. The surprising part is that children who regularly practice skills that enable them to be independent are in fact developing some very key attitudes towards life. If you think back on something you’ve had to struggle to learn, you’d be aware that learning often involves having a go, feeling frustrated, asking for help, practicing again, before finally mastering the skill. And isn't it just wonderful once you’ve done it!

Building mental toughness

This ability to be motivated, persevere and show resilience are key skills in today’s world. Even though young people in Bangkok often have so much done for them, the irony is that you can only build these skills through experience. So the next time you see your child struggling, encourage them by saying things such as:

• “I know you can do it”
• “Can you try that in a different way?”
• “That doesn’t seem to be working for you, can I show you?”
• “Wow! You are giving that such a good try.”
• “I like the way you’re trying and not giving up.”
• “You must be so proud of all the effort you’ve put into that.”
• “I understand you’re feeling frustrated, but keep on going - you’re almost there!”

The benefits of being encouraging and allowing your child to persevere are they are building these skills—just like muscles that can be used in everyday life and at school. Schoolwork requires kids to do the same things—when learning a new concept, strategy or practicing a new skill. This also helps in building mental toughness as children practice the ability to not give up and bounce back if you fail, these definitely are invaluable lifelong skills!

How to help

It can be difficult to consider what skills your child can be independent in, particularly as expectations change depending on the age and/or culture of your child. You might like to consider categories, for example:

• getting myself ready (getting dressed)
• organizing myself for school (packing my bag)
• helping at home (chores)
• being responsible for me (doing my homework)

Many children do need to be shown how to do what you’re asking them to do. It helps to break the skill or task down into smaller pieces. For younger children, they could do part of the sequence—not all of it. Older children can then practice with you or on their own.Checklists are also useful to give kids a visual reminder of what to do, particularly when accompanied by pictures or photos to show step-by-step what to do. Finally, often some tough love is required on your part (and frequently permission for your nanny to do this too) in order to motivate kids to get going on the road to becoming more independent. With encouragement and support, children can learn new skills and become more helpful. Developing independence can enhance a child’s motivation, confidence and help them develop some great habits of mind. All we have to do is provide moments for them to practice becoming more independent.Photos courtesy of the author. 

About the Author

Alicia is a mummy to two young, active boys. Alicia returned to Australia after almost seven years in Bangkok and six years teaching at NIST International School. Alicia is a highly experienced primary school teacher, having taught in China, Thailand, and Australia with 15 years of teaching experience. She holds a bachelor's and masters in education. Alicia enjoys taking dance classes, playing women’s football and rock climbing, as well as chasing after her boys!

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