Finding your Mama Tribe

By Natasha Duffin-Jones

A quick Google search will give you a never-ending list of articles and blogs about why friendships are so important to parents, especially mothers. But why is it so important right now? According to new research, parents are feeling lonelier than ever before, missing support, and feeling burned out from their roles as parents (1). Parents are yearning for the connection to other parents but somehow missing out on making those all important connections (1). Sometimes social media can fill a void without needing to interact in real life, but this can somehow make parents feel even lonelier. As a parent, it can be easy to compare ourselves with others and miss out on the nuanced side of parenting while only seeing others through a screen and not in real life. With family and close friends often far away, how can family life be made a little easier and support systems be found? 

Girl power

To me, female friendships in particular have always been of the utmost importance. I grew up in the Spice Girls era, when we were always embracing our girl power, and my female friends have played a huge role in shaping the person I have become. From holidays together to becoming roommates, my best female friends were absolutely vital to my survival as we navigated those huge developmental years. I remember before I moved to Bangkok over ten years ago, my best friend in the UK asked me what I was most worried about. I replied it was that I wouldn’t make any friends, which she thought was an absurd worry! I fell pregnant with my first baby during the Covid pandemic and in Bangkok, which is miles from the UK where my family and friends are. Due to the lack of available vaccines, I had to shield for most of my pregnancy, and I found it to be the loneliest time I’ve ever had. I knew that I would need to make some mommy friends to help me navigate the next chapter of my life. 

Mom friends

Fortunately, I was greeted by the most wonderful moms at the Breastfeeding Cafe at Bumpsy Daisy, and this fantastic group of women really helped me embrace the new role in my life. Going to the weekly meetups quickly became the highlight of my week and gave me not just something to look forward to but some laughs to get me through the sleepless nights as well as the reassurance that my baby was not broken and it just is that hard! As one friend told me: “Female friends who have children—they understand completely what you're going through. Whatever stage they’re at, they can relate. You need emotional support.” Another friend explained: “Mom friends make motherhood less isolating and provide community and comfort in knowing we are not alone; that we aren’t the first to encounter each challenge, and we won’t be the last. Shared knowledge truly is both powerful and empowering.” Having friends who are going through the same issues with their children at the same time can be such a benefit, and it definitely helped me feel less alone at so many points in my parenting journey. 

Changing friends

Living internationally, I have come to realize that friendships change frequently as people come and go, and this can be a really difficult situation as making new friends is often necessary. As children grow, friendships will often change too. Then as anyone has found, trying to have a conversation when toddlers are involved is nigh on impossible as they both invariably dart off in opposite directions at any given time. However, I have found that friendships have become even more important as children’s needs become increasingly complex and they start to pose challenges in whole new ways. Discussing this with a friend she commented, “Living here also means people come and go, and sometimes finding new friends after good friends have left can seem impossible and exhausting. But there’s so much available to us here in terms of places to go, communities, and connections, and people are very welcoming and open-minded, which gives us opportunity and time to grow friendships organically…” I find it can be hard to make new friends. From reading many articles about making friends, one piece of advice has really resonated: simply believe that people will like you. Taking the plunge and talking to other parents at school events and playgroups can seem really daunting at first; however, everyone is in the same position and it is reassuring to remember that! 

Friends with children

Having children also changes your existing friendships. I remember after I had my first baby, I wanted to simply phone all my friends who were mothers already, apologize, and say, “I never realized it was so difficult. I wish I had supported you better—I had no idea!” 

Suddenly, life has changed and timings, activities, and availability are now governed by our children. My whole world was absolutely turned on its head and I had lost myself completely to motherhood. I am so grateful for the friends without children who have stuck with me through the journey and been happy to chase my toddlers around galleries with me or played games with them at parties to keep them entertained. Those moments of support mean more than people could ever know! Sometimes, friendships will come and go, especially while living internationally with people moving on to new pastures frequently and circumstances changing as you start a family, expand your family, children go to school, and so on. As life changes, friendship changes also, and it is important to evolve with circumstances. A friend explained to me: “Strong mom friends have made me stronger as a mom, a friend, and as my own person.” When I became a stay-at-home mom, I was not prepared for the hole in my life where I had previously spent time with colleagues regularly and now this was no longer possible. Being surrounded by no one but children all day, I found my life to be busy but also incredibly lonely at times. I personally found it key to get out of the house and meet other people as having an adult conversation was essential for my survival, particularly during those baby and toddler years!

Actress and activist Jane Fonda has been an absolute champion for female friendships and preaches loudly about their benefits to all. She even advocates that they can be the reason that women live longer than men and that new friendships can be formed at any time in life. She famously said: “I don't know what I would do without my women friends; they make me stronger, they make me smarter, they make me braver” (2). So be bold and branch out—we all need our mama tribe to support us! 

References 

1. The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Centre (2024) New survey finds loneliness epidemic runs deep among parents. wexnermedical.osu.edu/mediaroom/pressreleaselisting/new-survey-finds-loneliness-epidemic-runs-deep-among-parents 
2. Zetlin, M (2023) It Took Just 2 Words For Jane Fonda To Give The Best Advice About Making Friends You’ll Hear This Year, INC. inc.com/minda-zetlin/it-took-just-2-words-for-jane-fonda-to-give-best-advice-about-making-friends-youll-hear-this-year.html 

About the Author 

Natasha Duffin-Jones is a mother of two as well as an early years and primary teacher with a Master of Early Childhood degree. She is also a children’s yoga teacher with her company, Story Time Yoga, specializing in teaching yoga with children’s stories, developing literacy and emotional literacy. She also likes visiting different places in Bangkok with her children and documenting their adventures on her Instagram page @bangkokmamaandbaby.