Feminism in the Family
By Joe Barker
For March I've been asked to write about how I'm raising feminist children. I was actually asked to write about raising a feminist son, but since I also have a daughter I thought it would be a poor introduction to feminism to exclude her. Obviously this wasn't my first thought—my initial response to any question about child-rearing is panic as I realise I'm not doing whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing and didn't even know it was something I was meant to be doing. A sleepless night worrying that I'd negligently been creating misogynistic monsters followed, after which I decided that I should probably think about raising feminist children. Now all I needed to do was decide what that meant and how to do it.
What does it mean to raise feminist children?
Now this undoubtedly means very different things to different people, but for me I think it means raising children who know that men and women should have the same opportunities in life; that girls and boys can play with the same toys, study the same subjects at school, and enjoy the same games and sports. I want my children to treat people with the same respect and consideration regardless of their sex or gender. So, how does one achieve these simple goals?
How am I raising feminist children?
In raising feminist children, I have a huge head start as a stay-at-home dad with a wife who would, were it not for my fragile male ego, be clearly acknowledged as the head of our household. This fortunately plays to my strengths of doing as little as possible at all times. Simply by sitting at home, avoiding employment, and playing with my children, I'm demonstrating that this is something men do, while my wife demonstrates that women can have careers and a family.
Unfortunately, living in Thailand means my efforts to demonstrate male domestic responsibility are rather undermined by the fact that most of the tougher household chores are done by our female nanny, while I sit around drinking tea, criticizing her efforts, and bemoaning the onerousness of childcare. Still, Marty and I are regularly in charge of cooking and washing up, and there is certainly no idea that these or other household chores are a mother's preserve. Fortunately my wife is putting rather more effort into demonstrating a woman's right to a successful career.
Words matter
Focusing on my laissez faire approach to moral education, let's look at what else I'm not doing. Well, primarily, I'm trying to keep disparaging remarks about women to a minimum. Not that I'm in the habit of unleashing torrents of misogynistic abuse, but rather, I recognize that words are important, and many common playground phrases of my youth do not support the idea that girls and boys are equal. So Marty and Alice will not be told that they “throw like girls”; nor will they be called “big girl's blouses” when they cry, nor will tantrums be met with demands to stop “acting like a girl”. Tears are as appropriate for men as for women, and math and sports are as much for girls as for boys. The hiding of emotions by strong, silent men will not be venerated as a masculine trait to be proud of.
Alice, just like Martin, will be showered with kisses and hugs, told that she's loved and beautiful, and also told that she's strong and fast, creative and clever. Inevitably Martin and Alice will want to do different things and play different games, but it must be because that's what they want to do, not because that's what society, or we, expect of boys and girls.
Naturally we will sometimes want Alice to wear pretty dresses and look cute, but her clothes mustn't stop her playing or leave her unable to follow in her brother’s muddy and adventurous footsteps. One dress has already had to be rejected because it was restricting her attempts to crawl. Martin's many beautiful truck T-shirts are stained and torn, and as Alice starts to show signs of moving, I hope her many lovely outfits will soon show the same results of plentiful playing and joyful eating. When there are puddles to be jumped in, trees to be climbed, or mud to be stirred, then this is what needs to be done regardless of how clean or pretty children's clothes are.
The future
This all sounds simple enough to start with. Treating both children equally, demonstrating that traditional gender roles are not the only option, and continuously reiterating that they can both try anything and regard their options as unlimited. The challenge will come as they get older and are exposed to the twin challenges of peer pressure and social media. When school friends are starting to declare that boys and girls need to behave in certain ways or they see content that says women should be treated in a certain way, it will need a more active response. My signature approach of doing nothing and hoping any problems go away will no longer be enough.
What will I need to learn?
Instead, it will be time for some serious conversations about how to decide what to watch on the internet, and how to interpret what you see. As someone who avoids conflict and confrontation at all costs this may take me well beyond my own comfort zone. My usual approach to people saying something stupid, offensive or wrong is to grunt noncommittally and edge away with a firm intention never to speak to that person again. This strategy has thus far worked perfectly with strangers, but I strongly suspect it will prove entirely inadequate when it comes to raising strong-willed children with the strength to challenge prejudice when they see it.
Instead I will need to prepare for challenging conversations with my children when they repeat things they've heard at school or online. I may even have to accept that challenging conversations with other parents and teachers may be necessary. I really hope that future me is prepared for this because I certainly don't think I'm the man for the job at the moment, but at least I’m now thinking about what those conversations may need to be.
This, though, is all in the future, for now I can concentrate on building a firm feminist foundation by demonstrating, with my wife, that women and men are equally capable of doing household tasks, staying at home, or going out to work, of playing sports or reading books. In short ensuring that Alice and Marty experience the same opportunities and see those opportunities available to both their parents.
About the Author
Joe and his wife Diane moved to Thailand in 2018. Since the arrival of their son Martin in 2021 and daughter Alice in 2024, Joe has been a stay-at-home father. The whole family enjoys BAMBI playgroups and Thai beach holidays.