Decoding Your Child’s Love Language
By Sonali Vongchusiri
You love your kids. Of course you do. We all deeply love our kids. And we pour our love into our kids—every time we play games with them, read to them, cook for them, and take them to the park or on play dates.
Yet sometimes we can feel something is missing. Like we’re sending these messages of love that our child isn’t receiving.
When this happens, we often quietly ask ourselves: “What else can I do?” We start searching for that exciting new thing to create a spark between us and our child, but when daily life is already busy, and there are many demands on our time, doing this can feel like a lot! And even if you could do it once or twice, it’s not sustainable.
Yet it doesn’t need to be so complicated—I think it’s not about pouring more into your child’s cup, or finding something “new”. I’ve seen both in my own family and with the families I support that it’s more than possible to create a spark of connection in seconds.
You may have heard that kids need connection.
You may have also heard that kids need stability.
My belief is that both are true, and when we combine these two ideas together, we see that what kids really need is stable, secure, solid connection. And here’s the thing—it’s what we parents crave too.
What’s the difference between connection and stable connection?
Have you ever gotten an amazing massage, then you get home and within 30 minutes you're stressed again? The massage was connection. However, stable connection is how we keep ourselves in that relaxed, joyful energy in a sustained way.
Now, think of that friend you call, who when she picks up with her familiar “hello”, it feels like being wrapped up in a giant blanket of love, approval, and care. Talking with her for just two minutes can lift your mood for the rest of the day. That’s stable connection—connection that you can tap into easily, is simple, yet felt deeply in every cell of your body.
The hack to stable connection is what I call insta-connects. Insta-connects are small yet impactful acts of connection that are both stabilizing and satisfying in seconds. They only take a second because they tap into your child’s three core energies, AKA their love language.
An insta-connect primer
Insta-connects take just a moment and can be put on repeat, so that your child feels deeply and fully loved and connected, immediately and intensely in every cell of their body.
An insta-connect feels like a glittery firework inside your child’s body—it lights them up from the inside out—and the neat thing is it lights you up from the inside out as well. Insta-connects aren’t just another thing on your to-do list. They energize and brighten the connection between you and your child in a way that is invigorating for both of you.
Five keys to insta-connects
Timing: I find they work especially well in the morning or evening before bed so a child wakes and goes to sleep feeling deeply loved and connected.
Unique: Insta-connects are unique to each relationship. If you have more than one child, each will have their own insta-connect. If you have a partner, they will have their own insta-connects with the kids that are different to yours.
Quick: Insta-connects are just that—instant. They are quick interactions that feel natural to you and your child. Think under 30 seconds.
No agenda: Ideally, these feel like such natural ways to connect they require no agenda. You don’t particularly use them to heal moments of disconnection. Instead, they are woven into your family life and become a regular source of stabilizing connection.
Meet your needs too: Insta-connects are not only about your child’s needs. As you develop insta-connects, it’s important that they genuinely feel good to you too.
What insta-connect would work best for your child?
The key to building routine and regular connection with your child is to create insta-connects that resonate strongly with them and you. You’ll know you have found a great insta-connect when their face lights up and they giggle or gaze back at you with love. You’ll know because you will feel it too!
Insta-connects are effective when you work with your child’s core energies. My strategy for discovering a child’s core energies is to imagine them as babies. Think back to when your child was six months to a year old. What three words would you use to describe them as a baby?
Were they generous, cheeky, and physical? Or perhaps they were tender, goofy, and liked to win?
Write the three words down—these energies are the portal into instant, deeply felt connection with your child.
Examples of insta-connects
Physical insta-connect: My eldest has always been very physical. Part of my journey was realizing that roughhousing doesn’t work for me because I’m legally blind and someone coming towards me suddenly sends me into fight/flight.
So one insta-connect we have in the morning is when I wake him, I give him the most phenomenal 30-second arm and leg massage—there’s deep pressure and I press down playfully hard with rhythm so his whole body and the whole bed jiggle a bit, and it wakes him up in a way that is physical, and fun for both of us, yet keeps me securely out of fight/flight. He’s now a teen and the playful, physical loving insta-connects are still there, though they have evolved over the years, of course. Right now, during the day we block each other when we try to pass in the hallway.
If your child is physical like this, they may like it if you pick them up and spin them around with their morning hug. Or they may appreciate racing to bed, or you randomly picking them up and plopping them down on the couch for no particular reason. Again, remember it’s only an insta-connect if you are enjoying it, too.
Tender fun insta-connect: My second child’s core energies are tender, cheeky, and perceptive. Now I also enjoy being a bit cheeky—cheeky fun fills my cup!
When he was younger, if I saw him brushing his teeth in the morning or evening, and the door was open, I'd sneak in and kiss him on the back of the neck. Then I’d creep out.
He’d always say with a smile, “Mama, I saw you.”
I’d pretend to be mystified.
“You kissed me,” he’d say.
“Who me?!” I’d say. “Impossible! I’m right here in the hallway!”
Because we’d met his core energies of tender, cheeky, and perceptive, which connect with me as well, we’d both feel light, playful, and connected.
Silly insta-connect: My youngest daughter’s core energies are silly, generous, tender, and physical. It’s really important to her that her love is received by me in a way she can feel in her body. For her, our insta-connects are physical in fine motor ways—my oldest’s are physical in gross motor ways.
One of our favorites, when I tuck her in or send her off to school, is after I kiss her nose, I grab it and gently pretend to pull it off. I then proceed to put it on my nose and tell her how much I like my new nose. Then she giggles and reaches for my nose—she takes hers back and then reaches a second time to steal mine.
Sometimes at night when I lean in for a kiss, she preemptively covers her nose. I tell her that when she does that I know she can feel my love. She beams at that.
A final note on insta-connects
In discovering insta-connects, parents will often say to me: “Oh, we do something like that already, but it happens randomly,” or “We had a moment where I felt that spark once—here’s what happened.”
That’s amazing! We’re not reinventing the wheel here; all the insta-connect does is take that spark moment you both felt—the one that happened in under 30 seconds—and intentionally puts it on repeat. Remember that mornings, when they go to and return from school, and before bed are great times for an insta-connect. What’s neat is that they’ll start to initiate the insta-connect when they need to feel your love for them in their body.
So, my invitation to you today is to remember a spark you’ve shared with your child and place that on repeat.
About the Author
Sonali is a parent coach, speaker, and founder of Forward Together Parenting. She’s been where you are with her own sensitive, strong-willed kids, and has worked with thousands of parents worldwide. Her work is dedicated to sharing how you can confidently parent, have fun, and create lasting change that feels good.