Building Bridges
By Rachel Ofo
My daughter is a Nigerian-American-British girl who was born in Thailand, where she spent the first five years of her life. This meant those first, very important years were built on four very different cultures, beliefs, and experiences. On top of that, I began taking her to playgroups as a baby, so hearing conversations, instructions, and laughter in several different languages was normal. We even went to one playgroup where they spent about 30 minutes teaching the two-year-olds Mandarin. Now my daughter and I know how to say “thank you” if needed. Thanks to playgroups, playdates, religious services, and random bump-ins, my daughter had a very diverse roster of friends. Those closest to her were Malian-Swiss, Filipino, and Indian. All of our families were very different, but all of us had one common goal: fostering a strong friendship among the parents and the children.
Tools for building friendships
Friendship is based on mutual interests, respect, and trust. I often repeat to my child, “You can’t force someone to be friends,” when she runs to me on the playground, upset that another child refused to play with her. Friendship means both parties have to be in agreement about what they’re looking for in the relationship. With children, it’s as simple as liking dinosaurs and swings and wanting to play tag. However, adults require a bit more. Either way, the success of a friendship is based on this idea that we’re willing to be free with each other, while sharing ourselves with each other, and respecting each other, and trusting that those bits we've given will remain safe with the other person. Friendship means we love each other, even when we’re mad at each other. However, all of this doesn’t pop up like a new condo in the middle of the city. It takes time, energy, and a specific set of skills and tools.
I would argue that building bridges, boundaries, and support systems in the physical world is easier than building them in a relationship. The physical world is tangible, countable, and measurable, with a strict and unchangeable set of laws. However, with relationships, people and ideas change, and there’s a level of uncertainty, especially when people feel, learn, and understand differently. To build a solid friendship, one must not only understand oneself but also those around us. To set up and respect boundaries, we have to know what makes us tick and why. To put up a support system that will hold you, even when you have no strength to hold yourself, is essential. Even as adults, our bridges sometimes falter, despite our years of experience. So how much more important is it to give our children the right tools to set up friendships that will withstand their ever-changing lives?
Evolving friendships
Throughout my life, I’ve made many friends, I’ve adjusted many friendships, and I’ve had friendships dwindle to a fond memory. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is to give my energy to where there is life. Trying to rebuild a bridge that’s been burned is exhausting and futile. So through the years, I’ve had to learn when to let go. And for the friendships that have remained, understanding how to adjust to life changes has been beneficial. Moving to Thailand, getting married, and having a baby were examples of life changes that tested the friendships I had and paved the way for new ones. Even after returning to the US, many of the friends I met—both parents and nonparents—during my time in Thailand have remained thanks to our shared experiences and struggles. So we work to keep them going, even if our texts have reduced to a quick check-in every few months. These shared moments abroad are the extra bolt needed to hold those friendships together.
A way I’ve helped my daughter understand this concept is to simply remind her on a daily basis what makes a good friend. She recites, “Friends are kind. Friends don’t force you to do things you don’t want, nor do they make you feel bad about things you want to do.” This has allowed her to know when to stay and repair a friendship and when to walk away. Like bridges, friendships must be maintained. But also like bridges, friendships may not be needed for where you’re going in life at this moment. As friendships evolve and we change as people, we’ll often find ourselves in new spaces, meaning there will be a new set of potential friends to meet. So, which tools do we give our children to help them navigate this without messing it up? You have to get your child exposed to different cultures and experiences.
Appreciating differences
It was easy and such a blessing to be in Bangkok and teach my daughter about other cultures. We would take walks, try new restaurants, and run around parks. Through this and traveling, she had her fair share of cultural exposure. Within her first few years, she traveled to the US, Nigeria, the UK, Laos, and Malaysia. Even when we weren’t able to step out, there were fun and engaging shows she could learn from. One of her favorite shows growing up was Super Wings, where a little jet plane would fly around to other countries, learning about their culture. All this helped her with learning about different people, but I also had to reiterate proper etiquette when someone has a slightly different accent or likes an unfamiliar type of food.
Being polite about differences goes a long way in forming relationships. One rule I learned from a teacher was that if it’s not something that can be fixed in 10 seconds, don’t talk about it. The idea of this is to help children keep from hurting feelings. If there is a piece of spinach in someone’s teeth, tell them because they can fix it. If their eyes sit differently than yours, we won’t mention it because it’s something that can’t be changed, but also something that makes them uniquely them. As our children grow, develop, and understand social cues, we can then teach them about complimenting versus criticizing. Reiterating that there is nobody in this world who is exactly the same helps my daughter think before she talks.
Modeling friendship
As parents, we have to be the friends we want our children to be. This doesn’t mean only befriending other adults. This means fostering the same respect and trust with our children. We are our child’s first experience with friendship, so let’s ensure we lay a strong foundation. It’s one thing to tell our kids, “Go say hi. Go make friends”, but it’s another for them to actually see us being kind. I find myself chatting with children all the time at the park. Sometimes I even step outside to play with my daughter and her friends. That way, she understands the importance of being fair and kind to those around you, despite differences of culture, age, gender, and so on.
As much as I’d like to teach my daughter not to point out differences in others, it’s not practical when it’s clear that everyone around us is different. Everyone is wonderfully unique. Everyone has something beautiful to bring to the table. So yes, build those bridges to new cultures and set those boundaries for healthy relationships. Allow the beauty of friendship to enrich your child’s life. Friendship is a deeply human desire that creates sense in a confusing world. Our ability to learn, love, and even let go adds to a more harmonious and understanding community. Bridges are two-way. So let’s make good friends and be good friends.
About the Author
Rachel Ofo moved from the US to Bangkok in 2016 and spent six and a half years there. She has a daughter, whom she loves dragging around on various adventures like hikes and fishing trips. In her free time, she enjoys reading, watching movies, and trying new restaurants. She also enjoys being out in nature.