Breaking Up With a Friend

By Anatta Zarchi

As children learn to navigate social relationships, friend trouble is almost unavoidable, whether on a small or large scale, and whether or not parents and teachers know about it. Sometimes, even children themselves might not realize that the dynamic of their friendship has taken a turn, which means they might not convey it. Teaching children early on about what healthy friendships look like can be crucial. This doesn’t mean teaching them to be paranoid of everyone around them, but to know the balance between right and wrong, and how to handle such situations. 

Common forms of toxic friendships 

NCS’s children’s counselor Savinee shares some of the most common forms of toxic friendships in her experience: 

• Talking behind each other’s backs. For example, telling different things to different people, causing conflict or misunderstanding. Having secrets between friends can be fun, but when done in this way, it often brings more harm than good. 
• Telling other kids that they need to do certain things in order to be accepted as part of the group. When I was in kindergarten, there was a group of girls that would only let you play with them if your favorite color was pink—which I lied about so that I could be included. And though friends shouldn’t exclude you for something like that, sometimes children will go further and tell their peers to make fun of someone else or call them names as a condition of acceptance. Refusing to do so might mean that they themselves become a target. 
• Bothering another kid and then telling a teacher that the other person started it. Here’s an example: person A starts making fun of person B and calling them names, but when person B reacts in anger, person A runs to tell a teacher. The teacher, seeing that person B appears visibly angered, or that they shoved or pushed person A, automatically believes person A without asking for the other side of the story. 

Unfortunately, many children tolerate these scenarios because they think this is normal or because they want to be included. Some get angry and push back, and unfortunately teachers may misunderstand this reaction as instigating conflict. When these scenarios occur, the best thing for the child to do is tell their parents about it, take a step back from these friendships, and make new friends. 

Identifying toxic friendships 

It’s important to proactively teach children to understand what a healthy friendship looks like—that way they can look out for themselves and are more likely to communicate it to you. Here are some good ways to do this:

• Ask them, “How do you feel when you’re with this friend?” or “How does this friend make you feel?” Questions like this can be beneficial in helping children identify both healthy and unhealthy friendships. If your child says, “I feel happy when I’m with this friend,” about one person and “This friend makes me feel nervous,” about another, you might ask, “How do you think good friends should make us feel? Happy or nervous?” This helps children reflect on what it means to be a good friend, and to realize that they do not have to pursue or maintain friendships that have a negative impact.
• Help them associate healthy friendships with words like “caring, sharing, nice, happy, supportive, respectful”, and unhealthy friendships with “mean, not nice, nervous, scared, unsure, and so on.” Young children are still learning how to identify their emotions, and guiding them into understanding which words correlate with which emotions can help them learn this. “Toxic” is a relatively difficult term often used by adults, so we would encourage you to use words that children are more familiar with.
• Teach them about boundaries. “Your friend pushed you to do this even though you didn’t want to, and now you feel bad about it. What can we do if this happens again? If this makes you feel bad, then do you think you should do it?” or “We don’t always have to do what others tell us, especially if it doesn’t feel right or hurts someone else.”
• Check in with them regularly. Being interested shows them that you are supportive and empowers them to make healthy decisions. Ask them how school is, what they’ve been doing with their friends, and so on. Other than bullying and exclusion, children might be encouraged to engage in bad behavior without understanding why this is bad. Checking in can help you become aware of such situations. 
• Teach them that violence is not the answer. Some children may push, shove, or react in other physical ways toward someone that is making fun of them or trying to get a reaction out of them. Feeling angry is completely normal, but reacting physically is not OK. Instead of retaliating, you might suggest they go to their teacher instead. 
• If you can sense that something is wrong, reassure them that it is safe to confide in you. Communication is essential in preventing further incidents. Many children are understandably afraid of telling a parent or teacher for fear of being bullied or left out. Understanding your child can be key to knowing how to approach the subject. 

“Breaking up” with a friend

So how do you help your child break up with a friend? Counselor Savinee has some tips:

• Firstly, listen to your child without interruptions—let them feel heard and understood.
• Support them in building other friendships.
• Set boundaries by finding respectful ways to distance themselves from the toxic friend. For example, slowly reduce time spent with said friend. Let them know they have a “choice” in playing with other classmates.
• While it might be tempting to address the issue with the other child's parents, this approach can sometimes escalate the situation. It's often more effective to focus on empowering your child to set boundaries and make decisions that prioritize their well-being.
• Parents should highlight to their child that this is not about them. It’s about different values and unhealthy behaviours. This is not happening because they are not good enough or because there is something wrong with them. Internalizing the idea that this is about them could lead to low self-esteem and anxiety. 
• Help your child develop the confidence to express their feelings towards their friends, such as: "I feel sad when you make fun of my hair."

Thinking of the future 

Like with many other childhood habits and circumstances, children who aren’t taught what healthy relationships look like might get stuck in toxic relationships when they’re older. If they’re used to unhealthy relationship dynamics, they may simply think that what they’re experiencing is normal. This can make them conflict-avoidant—they might be scared of setting boundaries, confrontation, or speaking up for themselves. “If you haven’t done these things as a child, then they become hard to do in adult relationships,” counselor Savinee says.

Sometimes children think they’re in this alone, but it’s up to parents and teachers alike to show them they’re not. You cannot be there to look out for your children all the time, but you can teach them to look out for themselves while checking in and observing from a distance, and to foster an environment where they feel safe to come to you for advice and help. 

About the Author

Anna works for New Counseling Service (NCS), an internationally recognized mental health center in Bangkok with a diverse team of licensed counselors. NCS has provided counseling services in Thailand and surrounding regions for over 20 years, with therapists specializing in a wide variety of issues such as anxiety, depression, work stress, relationships, and more.