Becoming a Mother

By Kelly Patten

I’m sure you’ve heard the term “adolescence”, that turbulent and emotional time when teens are discovering who they are as they approach adulthood in their new bodies. But I bet you are less familiar with the term “matrescence”. Matrescence is that turbulent and emotional period when women are discovering their new bodies and roles as mothers. The term was coined by anthropologists to describe the period of physical and psychological changes that occur during the process of becoming a mother. And shocker, as with all things related to women’s health, it has been largely ignored by doctors and scientists.
 

My matrescence

I’ve been a mother for three years now. Not a newbie, but by no means a veteran either. When my first daughter was born, it was the height of COVID-19 lockdowns. There was so much focus on her birth and her growth and development that I forgot myself. Is she eating enough? How long are her wake windows? Should we do more tummy time? The transition into motherhood felt sudden and lonely. Perhaps you are a new mother, or not; perhaps you had the support of family and community, or not. Regardless of what your journey has looked like, the transition into motherhood isn’t easy.
 

Somebody I used to be

Before becoming a mother, I was many things. I worked as a teacher for many years. I loved happy hour and ’80s dance parties, cooking dinner while listening to true crime podcasts, last-minute getaways to luxury hotels, lazy Sunday afternoons binging Law and Order SVU. As a mom, my identity seems to be hazier. I prefer Paw Patrol over Peppa Pig, cooking feels like a chore, and my weekend plans often involve “messy play”.

The physical changes of motherhood have been stark. Gone are the days of going braless, thanks to almost three years of continuous breastfeeding. Two C-sections later and my core is just not the same. A recent Whatsapp group chat focused on how frustrating it is to get dressed postpartum. Your old clothes don’t quite fit, you need to be able to breastfeed, but you don’t want to buy a whole new wardrobe. My previous style of lacy bohemian dresses and strappy sandals has been replaced by outfits that minimize sweat, maximize boob access, and often resemble pajamas. 
 

All the rage

I’ve spoken to many moms in various stages of matrescence, and a common theme is how unprepared we are to deal with this transition. During pregnancy, the sole focus is often on the baby. Cute little rompers and developmentally appropriate toys, products guaranteed to maximize baby sleep, baby carriers and strollers all take the forefront of our minds. Most women are aware of postpartum depression and anxiety, but a surprising emotion that many of us experience is rage. Even after the rollercoaster of hormones subsides, we often find ourselves irritable, frustrated, and angry.
 

Refinding an identity

While writing this article, I asked a number of moms: “How do you maintain your identity after becoming a mother?” And the resounding answer was: “What identity?!” One friend shared: “The incredible mental load of thinking about everything this small person needs is all consuming. I often forget what I like because I’m always thinking of everyone else.” The mental load of mothering is often overlooked until it becomes your identity. All of your thoughts focus on the needs of others and there’s so little time left for you. 

So what can we do? Many moms shared that they attempt to stay grounded by getting out of the house without kids. Yoga classes, pedicures, a quiet coffee, or even a solitary walk can all help you to reconnect with yourself. Setting aside time to connect with friends and partners also helps mothers to feel more in touch with their previous selves.  

I recently read that flamingo mothers also experience a form of matrescence. They will lose their pink coloring and turn white as they expend so much energy providing nutrients and care to their babies. However, when the babies grow older and more independent, the pink color returns. If that’s not a metaphor for motherhood, I don’t know what is. Despite the challenges of motherhood, I love my daughters dearly and would go to the ends of the earth for them. And maybe for now I have “lost my pink feathers”, but hopefully one day they will return.  

Photos from Canva.

About the Author

Kelly is currently a stay-at-home mom who has lived in Bangkok for over seven years. She previously worked as a primary educator and literacy specialist. Kelly loves reading fiction books, listening to podcasts, and exploring Thailand with her family.