Balancing Screen Time with Soul Time
By Sheena Low
With screens as children's constant companions, how do we ensure our kids find “soul time” for genuine relationships? This concern grows as parents navigate childhood friendships in the digital age. For clarity, I consulted Mila Devenport of the Kigumi Group, a digital literacy and character education expert.
Real relationships start offline
While many assume online interactions equal offline emotional connection, Mila explains that "sufficient psychological, child development, and neurological research shows us offline interactions have to precede online ones in terms of developing a child's literacy about what it means to have a meaningful relationship."
This is rooted in neurobiology. "We are still evolutionarily wired to respond meaningfully to eye contact and verbal communication with a caregiver from age zero. Technology like AI won't change that cognitive makeup." This principle underscores protecting space for offline connections.
Parental habits and connection
Our digital habits deeply impact young children. Mila advises that when we’re on our phones during interactions, or averting our gaze, "children log that as disconnection." A fleeting glance isn't traumatic but consistent distraction is. If a child frequently sees a parent prioritizing a device, they make the assumption that they must be less important than whatever is on the phone and try high-risk behaviors to regain their parent’s attention. A four-year-old might grab the phone or throw things. This distress signals that their environment needs adjusting.
For digital-native parents, self-reflection on personal tech habits and core values is vital—not to induce guilt, but to foster awareness and understand our responsibility.
A healthy approach
Building the "inner fortress" (ages 0–6)
Preparing for a healthy digital life starts at birth.
Prioritize face-to-face, eye-to-eye: A child's brain is "evolutionarily wired to develop empathy skills and interpersonal skills and secure attachment—through eye contact," says Mila. Specifically, this means present, engaged, direct eye contact—not just FaceTime.
“Frequently every day, make eye contact and have conversations." This isn't just directives like "clean up your room". Ask: "What did you do when you got home from school?" "How was your day?" "Tell me what you enjoyed most about [activity]." Mila adds that this teaches children they are "valuable in and of themselves, without having to perform for you [...] or be liked on social media."
The world is their—offline—oyster: According to Mila, “every offline experience [...] is a learning experience. Prioritize a wide array of outdoor play that exposes [children] to sensory-diverse environments, [and] allow self-led, exploratory play [...] with an attentive caregiver." These experiences foster lifelong skills like exploration, problem-solving, and collaboration.
Model the silent (and spoken) curriculum: Children absorb our tech habits, so explain why your device use is necessary and how long it will take. For example "It's going to take me about three more minutes to finish this email, and then I'm going to come outside and play with you." Then, stick to it. Or, "I'm taking out my phone so we can schedule this playdate, and then I'm going to put it away." This teaches children that "technology is a tool that you are using to achieve a very specific purpose. It's not that you're hanging out with your technology, and the technology is not taking you away from real life."
Navigating the digital stream (ages 6+)
In primary school, digital curiosity and desire for independence grow, so you need to have a plan.
The family tech plan: Mila advises all parents to create a family media use plan—not a static document, but "a cornerstone of all future conversations." Start this early and frame it by asking: "How do we spend time as a family? What won't we compromise on? How can tech facilitate our well-being?" Invite children to co-create these values.
Not all screen time is equal: Quality screen time matters, so research content. Use resources like Common Sense Media and look for evidence-based programs like Sesame Street, designed with child development experts. Avoid screens as default babysitters.
Active engagement: Discuss what they're watching: "Hey, what did Bluey do?" or "That reminds me of something we read about yesterday!" If they're watching kittens, ask, "What do you think the kittens are doing? What could they be feeling?" This active engagement "is actively developing [skills] the same way that you would do if you were reading a book [...], using the screen as a jumping-off point for meaningful interaction between you and the child," says Mila.
Red flags: Mila reminds us of two pitfalls to avoid: "Don't use screens as a reward [and] don't use screens to defuse emotional tantrums." Rewarding with screens creates unhealthy extrinsic motivation. Using them to stop tantrums teaches that screaming gets screen access, hindering self-regulation.
Recognizing unhealthy balance and potential addiction: By observing transitions you can see if there is a problem. A self-regulated child may have a brief, difficult screen transition but will rebalance and engage offline. Concerns arise if a child "repeatedly cannot make that transition after an extended amount of time and cannot self-regulate to find an interest in other real-life things."
Gaming addiction: Schools report gaming addiction as a significant mental health issue from around age seven. Signs to watch out for include being unable to prioritize in-person relationships; losing sleep or skipping/refusing meals for games; and losing offline friendships or preferring solo gaming over interaction.
The parent's role: humility, conversation, and critical thinking
Parental humility is key in the digital age. "In terms of actual volume of knowledge about what's going on online, we are way behind our teenagers, pre-teens, even our eight-year-olds," continues Mila. This isn't a failing but an opportunity for engagement. If your child wants to join a new platform, respond with curiosity, not a knee-jerk "no". For example: "That's interesting. Thanks for raising this—can you share more with me about what this platform is about and how your friends are using it?" This technique of inviting your child "to think critically and almost teach you [...] is going to build trust and communication [...] and it's going to develop critical thinking for both of you."
Danger: “it's online so it's not real"
A danger arises when children lacking offline empathy believe online actions have no real-world consequences. For instance, an eight-year-old cyberbullied a grieving classmate, believing, "But it's online. It's not real, right?" This underscores why early face-to-face interaction and empathy-building are non-negotiable. If children don't grasp offline friendship and respect, they can't apply these values online.
A final word: the frontier is here
"We're all at a frontier together," Mila concludes. Parenting in the digital age is new, demanding we guide children while examining our own digital lives and values. The goal isn't a perfect, rule-laden existence but fostering open conversations, critical thinking, and prioritizing genuine human connection. This empowers children not just to survive the digital age, but to shape it—and themselves—with integrity and heart.
Resources
A word of caution from Mila: I would urge parents to stick to either licensed medical providers or government websites, because I've seen a few “parenting” websites popping up that are funded or co-owned by big tech companies, who are not really incentivized to tell the truth when it comes to the impact of devices on child development.
- Raising Children Network, Preschoolers: Media & Technology. raisingchildren.net.au/preschoolers/media-technology
- Digital Wellness Lab at Boston Children's Hospital, Family Digital Wellness Guide. digitalwellnesslab.org/family-digital-wellness-guide
- Kigumi Group on Instagram. instagram.com/kigumigroup/
About the Author
Sheena is a mother to three-year-old August, runs Super Fly Honey, a brand that makes technical activewear for pole dancers around the world, and dreams about writing children’s books. After three years with a lot of yoga, deep friendships, purposeful retreats and IFS therapy, she realizes that becoming a mother is actually a superpower.