Attachment Styles: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, Disorganized

By Anatta (Anna) Zarchi

The word “avoidant” has recently become quite popular online as a personality descriptor, and when a term from psychology becomes a buzzword, it sometimes has the dual effect of building awareness while also losing nuance. In research, this is called “Concept Creep”, which means the term begins to cover a lot more than was intended. While avoidant attachment, and its less trendy sister—anxious attachment, sound pretty self-explanatory, it is often used to describe present behavior without understanding how past experiences shaped these patterns. 

First, let’s define “attachment style”. The American Psychological Association (APA) defines this as: “the characteristic way people relate to others in the context of intimate relationships, which is heavily influenced by self-worth and interpersonal trust.” While later experiences in life can affect how people interact with others, attachment styles are formed early in childhood, and are determined by the quality of the relationship between child and caregiver. However, attachment styles can change in adult life as a result of long-term intimate relationships or through therapy. 

Secure attachment

NCS affiliate counselor Yuliya explains, “If a child feels certain that the caregiver will be available and responsive to their needs, it gives the child the needed foundation to go and explore the world, knowing that in case of a danger or discomfort, they can return to the caregiver—the secure base.” We call this secure attachment, meaning the child develops an internalized picture of the world as a safe and welcoming place. If a young child grows up without feeling stable support, they may develop an insecure attachment style, such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. 

Yuliya brings up the viral monkey, Punch, and his plushie as a prime example of secure attachment. “When Punch the macaque was released into the troop and had to integrate into monkey society, he carried around his plush mama, hid behind it when attacked, slept on it, and used it for comfort. As he progressively became more integrated into the social structure of the monkey society, his need for his plush mama decreased. It was the stable presence and availability of his plush toy that allowed Punch's social development. Similarly, it is the relationship in the baby-caregiver dyad that creates the child’s model for their relationship with the world,” she explains. With that, let’s take a look at what can happen when a child does not feel secure in their relationship with their caregiver.

Anxious attachment 

In adults, anxious attachment—not to be confused with anxiety—manifests as a deep fear of rejection or abandonment, accompanied by a strong need for reassurance. When a young child does not receive consistent love or experiences unpredictable parental behavior, this impacts how they form their internalized image of the world and this is carried forward into other relationships as they grow up.

“Children and adults with anxious attachment often feel unworthy of love and rely on those they love to feel secure,” NCS founders and counselors Johanna and Rex explain. Parents being there for their child while also gently helping them understand that there may be times when they aren’t available can help children understand that their bond with their parents is secure even when they aren’t together. 

Avoidant attachment 

In adults, avoidant attachment will manifest as a high need for independence and discomfort with emotional intimacy, often resulting in withdrawal from, or difficulty building, close relationships. For those who enjoy Taylor Swift, you might be familiar with her song “The Bolter”, which many hail as the ultimate avoidant anthem. 

This attachment style may develop when caregivers are not consistently present and responsive to their child’s needs. Parents don’t always have to respond immediately to their babies, but when they are consistently not present and unresponsive, whether because of their obligations, depression, or substance abuse, their baby may develop an inner model of the world as a place where their needs will not be met and where everyone has to fend for themselves. Being there for them and providing a safe, non-judgemental space for children to share and experience their emotions will help them learn that vulnerability is okay. 

Children with avoidant attachment often find comfort by escaping into their own world, whether through games, books, movies, or imagination. They may also try to avoid others’ emotional displays and keep their own emotions to themselves.

Disorganized attachment 

And finally, the least common attachment style: disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment, which is a mix of avoidant and anxious attachment. In adults, this manifests as a desire for closeness but also a tendency to withdraw from it. This paradox is often exactly what makes disorganized attachment the most difficult to manage in adulthood.

Psychologists Mary Main and Erik Hesse coined the concept “fright without solution” as an explanation for this attachment style. With secure attachment, the child feels safe in their relationships. With anxious attachment, the child fears rejection and therefore craves closeness. With avoidant attachment, the child feels that it is safer to avoid emotional intimacy. But with disorganized attachment, the child fears their caretaker—who is also the person they look to for comfort—resulting in the paradox: that avoidance triggers fears of abandonment, but closeness triggers the urge to withdraw. 

For example, if a parent is loving and supportive one moment, then suddenly completely unavailable or angry the next, this could cause the child to fear the caretaker while also experiencing love from them. Yuliya shares that disorganized attachment style tends to originate in families suffering from addiction or severe mental health issues. It is the least common attachment style. 

Wrapping up

As we’ve gone through each of the attachment styles, you may have noticed a pattern, which is this: the caregiver’s own mental health is the foundation on which the child will build their attachment style. While insecure attachment can be a result of abuse and neglect, it can also be a result of the caregiver’s own attachment style and behavioral patterns that they may be unaware of, even if they are well-intentioned. No one is perfect, and it is natural that parents carry their own unresolved burdens, worries, or learned behaviors into their relationship with their children, but building self-awareness and change is possible, and can make all the difference for your child. Ultimately, around 60 per cent of children develop a secure attachment. 

It’s also important to note that attachment style is a research-based theory, and not an exact science. People interact with different circumstances in unique ways, and there is no set formula to guarantee specific outcomes. Embrace your children in all that they are, and let them go into the world with certain knowledge that a loving person is always waiting for them when they come back. 

About the Author

Anna works for New Counseling Service (NCS), an internationally recognized mental health center in Bangkok with a diverse team of licensed counselors. NCS has provided counseling services in Thailand and surrounding regions for over 20 years, with therapists specializing in a wide variety of issues such as anxiety, depression, work stress, relationships, and more. For more information visit ncsbkk.com/ncs/