All Change
By Claudia Gomes
Change is not easy for adults, so it’s fair to imagine it’s not easy for kids either. However, change is inevitable and natural, and at some point, we all have to navigate it. For kids, it could be moving homes, starting a new school, making new friends, parents divorcing, illness, or any other major event. Having to go through something like this at a young age can be challenging. Parents play a big role in supporting kids when they are going through emotional processes and when they need to boost their resilience.
Change and transition
According to the Bridges Transition Model, change brings a space of transition into people’s lives (1). Here change is defined as an external event or situation that takes place, and it can happen quickly. Examples include moving house or starting a new school. Transition is the inner psychological process that people go through as they internalize and come to terms with change. Change can only be positive if the process of transition is experienced and supported.
The Bridges Transition Model describes three stages to transitions:
Endings: a change starts when something comes to an end. It’s the moment when people are dealing with what they have to leave behind.
Neutral Zone: this is the in-between, when the old is gone but the new isn’t yet fully operational. It’s when the transitions happen—when you can create new processes and new roles. It’s the nurturing space for the new beginning.
New Beginnings: this stage involves new understandings, values, and attitudes. When the process of transition is well-managed, people understand the purpose of the change, the part they play, and how they can participate most effectively. It becomes a positive part of their lives when the new is an expression of a fresh identity.
Supporting kids through change
The following are reactions that are common for children in moments of change:
Emotional: they might experience anxiety, anger, sadness, or even withdrawal.
Physical: they may have sleep disruptions, stomachaches, or show regression in behaviors.
Behavioral: they might act out, become clingy, or show signs of defiance.
I want to emphasize that these are normal responses during the transition period, although each child will behave differently depending on how they experience the process.
I believe you might be asking yourself what you can do to support your kids during periods of transition, so here are some guidelines:
Connection and presence: children need adults to self-regulate. Adults need to be available to assist children in understanding their emotions and the stages they are going through. Kids need to feel that you are there, listening, caring, and validating what they are feeling. They need to know they are not alone in the process.
Structure and predictability: kids need to count on what they know. When changes come, what supports them is knowing that some things haven’t changed. Keeping routines, like mealtimes, bedtime rituals, and so on, is incredibly helpful. Help them see what is changing, how it is changing, and help them understand how they want to manage the change. Use visuals, schedules, and anything else that facilitates their thought process.
Narrative and meaning-making: when change happens, kids need to make sense of it. Our brains process what’s happening more easily when we can relate it to something familiar, so use age-appropriate stories or explanations. Encourage them to express themselves and their understanding of the change through art, play, or journaling.
Empowerment and participation: kids need to create a sense of control over what is happening. When someone solves problems for them, they retain the feeling that they are not capable of handling things themselves. They internalize the idea that they always need someone to rescue them.
As parents, our job is to help kids find their own way of navigating emotions and building their ground during transitions. So involve them in planning aspects of the change. For example, when moving to a new house, let them choose what items to keep for their new room. It’s natural to want to jump in and fix everything for them, but remind yourself: you are supporting them now so that they can thrive later as healthy adults.
Role models and emotional literacy: kids copy behaviors and strategies all the time, so parents and other people involved in raising a child need to be aware of their role as role models. Kids need help understanding what they are feeling, and reassurance that it’s OK to feel that way. Teach them that it’s possible to go through emotions and learn from them. You can say something like: “It’s OK to feel anxious. I also feel anxious sometimes.” They need your support to learn how to name their emotions and how to manage them.
Tools for parents, educators, and caregivers
Emotion coaching: notice and tune into your child’s emotions. See their expressions of emotion as opportunities to connect with them and guide them. Listen with understanding and show them that their feelings matter. Help them give a name to their emotions, and set clear limits and boundaries as you help them solve problems or deal with challenging situations in an appropriate way (2).
Transitional objects: provide something that gives them a sense of stability, like a favorite photo, a toy, or any comforting item.
Books and media: share books, movies, or resources that help explain change or build resilience in a way that's accessible to them.
When to seek extra support
Sometimes, extra help is needed, and it may be helpful to consult a professional or the school for extra support. Seek help if your children display any of the following:
• Persistent problems with eating or sleeping
• Major behavioral shifts
• Ongoing sadness or anxiety
We cannot prevent change, but we can support our kids when they need us, walking alongside them during the process. I understand that for some parents this is a tough task—especially if they don’t know how to manage their own emotions because they were never taught how to. It’s important to remember: this is not anyone’s fault. We can only teach what we know.
You can only support your child if you have already supported yourself first. The famous analogy, “Put your own oxygen mask on first,” reminds us that self-care is essential. Take care of yourself so you can care for others with energy and presence.
Open yourself up to reaching out to a professional if needed. Open up about your difficulties and insecurities. Your kids will be eternally grateful for your openness, your attitude, and your growth.
Resilience is built through the process of self-discovery and understanding one’s own strength. Guide your kids to be resilient, courageous, flexible, and kind—to themselves and to others.
References
- William Bridges Associates, Bridges Transition Model. wmbridges.com/about/what-is-transition/
- Lisitsa, E. (2024) An Introduction to Emotion Coaching. gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotion-coaching/
About the Author
Claudia Gomes is an expert in emotional intelligence and intercultural awareness, and an ICF-certified Level 2 transformative coach. With 19 years of international experience in Spain and Thailand, Claudia is an expert in bridging cultures and fostering global collaboration. She has spent the last 15 years in Bangkok. contact@claudiagomes.coach; linkedin.com/in/claudiagomes-coach/